The Weakend

I am in a bit of a struggle. Something is eating me and I can't quite pin point what it is. Or maybe I just got lazy and thought I could sneak a calorie 1 or 100 in here and there. You can't. 
One thing I noticed though; I don't like to admit failure and I quit posting; at least until I have something good to say Nothing is more annoying than a weight loss blog that is always - "look at me! Look how easy this is".  Frankly, weight loss is not frigging easy and anybody that tells you differently is full of crapola. I have been allowing myself to cave to my cravings regardless of where my calories are for the day - I'm still logging them but OMG this has to stop.  I weighed in at 395.6 today.
Last week a co-worker stopped by my office to tell me she was at exactly a 100 pound loss from her WLS  in November. I am so happy for her!.  She threw me into a tailspin though.  She was openly talking about how she used to eat 8 Reese's eggs but now only eats 1 and she's satisfied, then she told me how she would eat a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting but now only eats one row of the cookies (about 6 i think). Other people could hear us talking. She was embarrassing me. The whole time I was thinking please shut up.  Please don't talk like I know or can relate to eating 8 Reese's eggs. I don't want these people to know I do these things too. SHUT UP NOW.  I could literally feel my body sinking trying to crawl under my desk and at the same time I saw how mentally healthy she is in her journey.  Not only has she cut back on her binge foods - she can admit them openly.  Fearlessly.  I can't even write them on my blog....
Sure, I can say I had way too much chocolate this weekend and you wouldn't know if that meant 3 Hershey kisses or 100.  I still can't do it. I can't type it out.
Just reliving that moment with her brought up so much guilt, shame and ridicule in me.  Writing this out has taken a long time today because as I write, I reflect on why I have those feelings... I was raised in a house of secrets of having an alcoholic father who was abusive. It was only recently I discovered my own aunt didn't know my father was abusive until I told her in passing about a fight I remembered. I remember how bad I felt for my mother.  Realizing she has hid these secrets for so many years and had no one to share with or reach out for help because of shame or fear that she shows any weakness makes me hurt for her.  My heart aches that she endured that alone. That's what I'm afraid of.  Showing others my weakness. That's why I'm here. To remember I'm not alone.

I Eated but was Not Defeated

I am really good at staying focused during the week and staying within my calorie limit but when the weekend comes, not so much.... During the week, I plan my meals with structure making sure they include fruits and vegetables and that they are within my calorie budget.  Then,when Saturday morning comes around... here we go let the roller coaster begin.  Hubby is famous for talking about lunch right after breakfast and dinner right after lunch and sometimes it feels like food is the topic non-stop.  I just don't care that much about it.  I just eat.  When I was single, I planned nothing.  ...anyhow... Hubby woke up and declared he was not going to track anything he ate all day... He was a Rebel with a plan,;I guess you could say.... I, on the other hand, knew I was counting; and counted all day.. but when Sunday rolled around... I blew it. The whole day down the drain with no care in the world for staying within my limit.   Not pleased with myself and not going to re-hash it over and over but I need to make a better plan for weekends. Hubby usually does all of the cooking or it's a constant eating out frenzy from drive throughs to Subway runs..so I'm going to start doing the cooking on the weekends. For the next few weekends every meal that comes out of 411 Gurls' kitchen will be "never seen before" - maybe with some experimenting and new meals... we will have some better results...
Take care...

Don't Judge a Post By The Title...

The scales and I have not spoke since Friday. I wanted to visit with her this morning but I was running late. It's rather ironic that I would turn to her to assess my damage. I don't trust the bitch when I do good. Why would I trust her when I waiver a bit? I need to own my journey. I need to speak up and quit allowing others to help guide my journey. There is not one food that passes a person's lips that taste as good as success does.  At times, I feel like I'm stuck with no voice. No ability to say "No" I won't eat that. Sometimes I feel like I have the winning numbers to a Million Dollar jackpot, when it comes to losing this weight, but feel I don't deserve to win so I sabotage it. I burn the ticket.

Friends, those statements are about value. They're about how much you value yourself to keep going forward in your journey.  Time and time again you read that it doesn't stop when you hit the magic number on the scale. It doesn't stop when you naturally drink tons and tons of water a day. It doesn't stop when you work out 3-5 times a week.  It's all of these things combined and more that create your healthy lifestyle. You can't expect to hit home runs if your feet never touch second and/or third base. You don't have to do it all at once but start out slow. Right now, I'm focusing on taking all of the value I put in food and putting more value in me. I need a clear head to move forward. I must be getting better because my mind says pretty nice things to me lately.  It's also reminding me that I need to put exercise into this journey... rather taunting me right now, however my mind has started to revel on how fast my body will adapt to exercise and become stronger as each day goes by. It's all of those little things I can't do now that exercise will cause me to start doing again. Watching it happen will be the measuring tool. I have just little over a year to reach the goal of going to Memorial Day 2011. That's a mere 365 days. I will not be sitting here posting a year from now at 400 pounds. It's not going to happen. I refuse to let it happen because I do own my journey. Are you owning yours?

The Stairs That Beat Me Down

It was this post that made me remember the day and tears filled my eyes.   The day I couldn't climb the stairs at work without resting midflight. Twice. Broken Elevator. Broken Spirit. I was ashamed at what I'd become. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wrote about it on my new Spark account that day.  I never returned to Spark. That was in 2008.
Today, I have to walk across to another building to get something required for work. I thought of my failed stair day. The mere thought puts me into a mild anxiety attack just like the fear of a fire drill. Our department reports to the other side of the buildings parking lot for a fire drill. Our complex easily sits on 10 acres. Other employees are complaining that they have to walk so far but they can physically walk it.  I have to rest between walking to our time clock from the parking lot and still show up at my desk short of breath. My health status can no longer be hidden. This is life at 400 pounds people.

I lost my focus on both Saturday and Sunday. I allowed things that I knew were wrong. I allowed excuses that were merely that. An excuse is nothing more than giving yourself a "free pass" to do it. I had closed the excuse box by about 3pm on Sunday and returned to focusing on me and what needed to be done. I woke up this morning with a revived feeling. Glad I was going back to work where it's easier to stay focused. I keep telling myself that 2 bad meals out of a week is a hell of a lot better than meal after meal being bad. I also keep telling myself that that behavior is what got me to over 400 pounds. Little changes, Little changes... and then Tony's Post smacked me right in the face. My life was Tony's life 2 years ago.  2 years ago. In 2 years I could run across to the other building if I just stay on track. In 2 years, I could return to this post and say, "Yes that was me then, but look at me now."  2 years ago I couldn't climb the same stairs I can't do today. I've wasted a lot of time and for what? A cheeseburger? A fry? Really. It's rather pathetic.

Both meals I feel i made poor choices on didn't even satisfy me.  What's worse, is I spent the last 2 days beating myself up-going back and forth rationalizing the next excuse only to find out that when I actually sat down and did calorie calculations I had only exceeded the amount by 1618 calories in total both days. BOTH DAYS. I avoided posting and turned on the negative self-talk over 1618 calories? There are 1200 calories in a large caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen. There are 1240 calories in a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. So the breakdown is this. Could I have made better choices? Yes. I didn't have enough fruits and vegetable either day.  If I had, I would not have exceeded my amounts because I'd have been full and not filled with empty calories. Did I eat a blizzard and all that McDonalds crap? Obviously not. However, those examples show you how easy it is to break your calorie budget just going through the drive-thru.  Time and time again, that little upset to the apple cart would have caused me to give up entirely and say "I can't do this, it's too hard" "I've blown it, might as well binge." or any other excuse I could take on to just give up.  I didn't this time. I let the storm pass. I kept returning to where I want to go in this journey and when I sat down to face the damage and hold myself accountable, I'd actually made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am thrilled it only totalled 1618 calories. I expected at least 5,000 because in my mind, that's how much I'd blown things out of proportion.   Lesson learned: write everything down to keep it in persepctive.
Today has been a great day. I'm right on track with everything. I'm thankful for everyone I read as we've all experienced a little bit of what the other has. Take care of you.