TGIF - that's as creative as I can be!

Hey Gang, happy happy Friday. For a four day week it sure felt like seven!  Wow... Can't wait for the weekend. My scale is cooperating right in line with the way I'm treating myself.  Treating myself as in something little here something little there... I have gotten exactly what I deserve. I can't figure out if I want to use the excuse that I'm so close to surgery it's my last hurrah,  or it took almost a month for the surgeon's office to call me back feel sorry for myself eat in May month, or I'm just in a funk and not putting me first. Either way, poor attention to myself leads to poor results. No way around it. If I were to venture the scale would read 385... it was 383 two days ago.  Then Ben and Jerry stopped by and brought Everything but the ...
Anyways, lets not talk about what  happened let's talk about how we're going to fix it. This is a good place for stop start continue. What am I going to stop doing? What am I going to start doing? and What am I going to continue doing? Do you know what you need to do to start, stop and continue?

Be kind to your neighbors...
Over to the right you'll see a list of blogs I try to read as soon as they're updated.  At one point or another, or on a daily, weekly or monthly occasion, these people impacted me in one way or another.  I couldn't /wouldn't tell you my favorite if you asked me because each one I hold in a special place in my heart.  Their words have provided a door into their lives that they chose to share with me and you.  I have to admit I even got my nose a little bent out of shape when one writer wrote about a humiliating experience which catapulted into several great experiences but then their blog had to endure hateful comments from passer-bys and even then some from people I consider in our weight loss community.  This saddened me. The one initially affected handled it with much more grace than I ever could have but let me tell you did I want to put my nose right in the middle of it and tell some people off!  I decided if I did that, I'd be defeating my purpose which was to remind people to just be kind to each other and treat others how we want to be treated. 

In your dreams....
I dream about bloggers. Like I know them.  (Maybe someday...) We dine together, we exercise together it's crazy.  The first time I dreamt I was out to dinner with Sean having deep fried green beans. The second one, a group of us were at Tony's restaurant and we were doing exercises throughout the restaurant kind of like a Richard Simmons episode with Tony as our leader while other people were dining! And the third one, Jen and I took our dogs to the dog park. I have never had the pleasure of meeting these people, yet their words have impacted me enough to lie in my subconscious.  All three equally deserving of title Inspiring. Thank you. 
Take care my friends... My follow up appointment with surgeon is on Friday June 10.  Hopefully I will know more then.

The Time is Getting Closer

It's really happening and I can feel myself sinking into wanting to hide from it.  Words my new Dr said to me rewind and repeat in my head constantly.  ... we have to get to why you eat based on your emotions...we have to make sure your heads in the right place...  in which I quickly responded. "No, wait. I know you haven't known me that long but my heads changing!" "The last doctor, the one who upset me, .. the old me would have left and not had the labs done, I would have went home and thrown the idea of having surgery out the window and would have convinced herself she could do this on her own, TOMORROW, and then ate whatever and how much ever she wanted the rest of the night.  Instead, she went home after having her labs and called and made an appointment with you"  He isn't stopping me." She smiled. "And... I've written everything down and even when I had a bad day... I was accountable.  I had a lot more good days than bad and I can't remember the last time I have kept a food journal this long. I might have been 14 or 15. "  I even admitted to her my whole food issue with Peanut Butter eggs and acknowledged "secrets"

I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey.  I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist.  The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief. 

And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier.  It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room.  I love attention. I love to be the star in the room.  Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion.  I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt  Not unless I let them in.   I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely. 
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through.  I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me.  Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day.  and the thought is overwhelming...

And Lord if each mountain is only a test

Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest

And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky

And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes

And if there's still another mountain...

-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.

Today is your last chance to win the lunchbox.... Good Luck. You can register Here. 



The Weakend

I am in a bit of a struggle. Something is eating me and I can't quite pin point what it is. Or maybe I just got lazy and thought I could sneak a calorie 1 or 100 in here and there. You can't. 
One thing I noticed though; I don't like to admit failure and I quit posting; at least until I have something good to say Nothing is more annoying than a weight loss blog that is always - "look at me! Look how easy this is".  Frankly, weight loss is not frigging easy and anybody that tells you differently is full of crapola. I have been allowing myself to cave to my cravings regardless of where my calories are for the day - I'm still logging them but OMG this has to stop.  I weighed in at 395.6 today.
Last week a co-worker stopped by my office to tell me she was at exactly a 100 pound loss from her WLS  in November. I am so happy for her!.  She threw me into a tailspin though.  She was openly talking about how she used to eat 8 Reese's eggs but now only eats 1 and she's satisfied, then she told me how she would eat a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting but now only eats one row of the cookies (about 6 i think). Other people could hear us talking. She was embarrassing me. The whole time I was thinking please shut up.  Please don't talk like I know or can relate to eating 8 Reese's eggs. I don't want these people to know I do these things too. SHUT UP NOW.  I could literally feel my body sinking trying to crawl under my desk and at the same time I saw how mentally healthy she is in her journey.  Not only has she cut back on her binge foods - she can admit them openly.  Fearlessly.  I can't even write them on my blog....
Sure, I can say I had way too much chocolate this weekend and you wouldn't know if that meant 3 Hershey kisses or 100.  I still can't do it. I can't type it out.
Just reliving that moment with her brought up so much guilt, shame and ridicule in me.  Writing this out has taken a long time today because as I write, I reflect on why I have those feelings... I was raised in a house of secrets of having an alcoholic father who was abusive. It was only recently I discovered my own aunt didn't know my father was abusive until I told her in passing about a fight I remembered. I remember how bad I felt for my mother.  Realizing she has hid these secrets for so many years and had no one to share with or reach out for help because of shame or fear that she shows any weakness makes me hurt for her.  My heart aches that she endured that alone. That's what I'm afraid of.  Showing others my weakness. That's why I'm here. To remember I'm not alone.

Slap me With a Wet Noodle

I'd love to say that I've been super on track and everything is A-OK but sadly, stress stresses me out.  I honestly haven't weighed in weeks. I've been so focused on getting this promotion and new responsibility that I've let being responsible for me fly right out the window. Between Humar Resource Hoops and women you work with for years that just plain can't get past the thought of being happy for anyone but themselves (a facade, of course), so they work extra hard to make sure to do things to try and make you miserable. And mother's coming to town ... and .... and... and...

Life happens with or without you. UGGH. Who made that rule? I really need to pay attention to me a little bit more in this life... staying focused and being responsible for me is a lot easier when I stay attached to this here journal.

Great things are happening here...I started my new job last Monday... spent the weekend with my family and created some wonderful memories.

I will report a weigh in this week.  If you're still here, do me a favor and please let me know.

Take care of you. (Yes, gurl, YOU.)

I'ts My Party and You Can Lie if You Want To

Hi there! Long time no chat. I realized the other night I broke a habit! I didn't log on here Monday and tell you what a crappy job I had done this weekend. You know why? Because I did not have a crappy weekend. I had a marvelous weekend where everything on this journey was kept in check. I had the i's dotted and my t's crossed. So where have I been?

It's been a busy week. I've been working late and spending the evening with hubby and working on writing my vision statement. Right now, I'm just making the list of reasons that are important to me. In making this list, I noticed that a lot of sentences ended with or contained the word again. AGAIN.
As I wrote out memories of things I can no longer do and wish to do, I stopped and reflected how many times, I would continue to choose food and abandon the things I love to do only to eventually be physically unable to do them. I reflected on how many diets I've policed myself on where I would tell myself or obsess my thoughts with "I can never have a french fry (insert food name here) again." AGAIN.

This time around things are truly different for me. I have not policed myself over specific foods and only monitored my calorie budget for the day. I don't obsess over my water intake and have noticed it becoming just a habit to keep chugging away. I've even had 2 dreams in the last week about little punch glasses filled with ice chips and water and how they were inviting me to drink them. (I know weird... but nonetheless.)
I walked in from that last poker tournament and realized that this is the 2nd tournament (they're held once a month) I've been to on this journey and while I've had detours, more in the beginning than the present, not once did I have an "I'll start again Monday" moment or "Might as well eat the rest of the day".  That's not to say I won't have more detours, they very well could happen but my mind is a different place now and I just have a destination to get to. I can't even feel the detour close to me because I've taken away so much of the value I gave food in the past that it just seems kind of foreign to me. Often times, my diets wouldn't last past lunch time on Monday morning that first day or never start because (insert excuse here).  It's exciting to see my consistency and determination and even more exciting to realize my motivation and determination are stronger today than day one of this journey. 

I weighed myself today because I just couldn't wait until tomorrow morning and I was not happy at all. It showed a 4.4 gain. For a split second the thoughts started creeping in and I shoved them out of my head like the pipe that sucked Augustus Gloop out of The Chocolate River (Say Hi to the Oompa Loompa's for me). "This scale is only a tool" I kept telling myself. "Give yourself one good reason why the scale says that" ... Did you go over? Have you been getting enough fluids in...at that moment I couldn't come up with one good reason. So I bailed. I abandoned that scale and told it "Too bad for You. I have other Celebrations - maybe next time you won't be a Debbie Downer and come to my party; but it's my party and you can lie if you want to!"

My other non-scale victories are:

I wrote in my food journal every day.
I made several smarter choices when put on the spot and don't regret one thing I've put in my mouth for several several days.
I am preferring water over other beverages.
I"m continuing the Mind Body exercises and growing daily from them.
I put a bra on the other day that I used to avoid wearing because it's too tight. Now my girls are happy too :) (Did I just say that?)
I'm smiling more.
Food is Powerless over me.

What are your non-scale victories this week? Take care of you.

Luck Be A Lady Tonight

First and foremost, Thank you all for all your words of inspiration and encouragement from the onset of this blog. I smile with every comment or email.  In just a short time I have made some very special friends that I hold dear to my heart and that is truly awesome. My husband is my number one fan hands down, and I know this week was especially hard for him because I've been doing some real soul searching that has been painful at times for me and painful at times for him to watch me go through. I am stronger because of it and he was right there to hold my hand through it.
I've had a remarkable week that goes beyond staying with in my calorie budget, drinking water, and losing weight.  The soul searching happened without me stuffing my emotions with food. I actually went to a Chinese buffet on Thursday night and stayed within budget and didn't leave feeling stuffed, the poor diet girl who couldn't eat more or anything like that. I stayed in complete control because I'm worth this. I enjoyed my husbands company and didn't worry about the lines of food that our table was close to. I ate what I like, what tasted good and stayed within budget. ... And then Friday came!!! Friday was awesome! Hubby and I planned our evening with take-out and movies. We had a great date night and I stayed within my budget all evening. There were no... celebratory Friday  feasts with food. Today is Saturday, we volunteer once a month and in that there is always a potluck that is involved... no problems here. It isn't about the food it's about people and having a good time. I have no fears about the day that lies ahead of me. There's no mental preparing going on. There's no justifying how to save calories...Food has no priority other than fuel for my body. That is such a good feeling. The even better feeling is I love myself and know it with conviction.

Today, I also play in a Texas Hold Em Tournament and boy are my opponents in trouble! I'm a pretty good player (If I do say so myself) and place top 10  pretty frequently. I've won this same tournament about 7 months ago and I'm placing today. Placed in the Top 5 too many times to count.  I'm going to place high today without even seeing my cards because I'm not going to be side-tracked with food or anything other than I'm here to be a winner.  As long as Lady Luck is on my side, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't walk out of there with First Place.

This brings me back to my collage... After I completed it, I realized there are a lot of things on my collage I don't have to wait to do depending on my weight. I can do most of  them now the only difference is, I can do them more easily as my weight declines. My dreams don't have to wait for the magic number on a scale. I can realize them any time and so can you. Tricia made her first collage too check it out. I've also created a "What's Your Vision" page where you can send me your vision and I'll post it with your site. Take care of you.

Are you sure it's not a Facade?

That was the question my therapist asked me back in the early 90's when I told her I didn't need her help anymore. Everything about therapy had become a facade.  I got two things from therapy.  I was in my late 20's early 30's and had never dealt with my fathers death when I was 12.  I had dealt with it. Big Deal. He was an alcoholic. An abusive man. And he was gone. He didn't do anymore for me alive than he did dead.

The second thing was is that I didn't like silence. If it was quiet, Mary had something to say. I can't say I've stepped away from it but I can acknowledge it. 

What she didn't know is that the rest of my stories I shared with her were nothing but lies. Within the first 15 minutes of my first session I sensed her judging me. Was she really or was I just listening to the voices in my head? Probably both. Judging is human nature. I can't honestly say I know - but I do know I didn't want her to know my dirty little secrets. ... I guess I'll keep you in suspense because I've shared more with you reading this than I ever did with her at about $90 a session.

I wanted her to diagnose me. I wanted her to give me the answer that caused my food issues. Why do I refuse to eat tomatoes that are too cold? Why do I not lose weight? The only answers she ever had was throw out your scales, take all the mirrors out of your house and buy more than you can eat in one sitting. Wow. She just challenged me to eat 2 boxes of Twinkies in one sitting rather than one. This is a goal I can lose at every time! Thanks, that was great advice. Here's my credit card. Ching Ching. Go buy yourself a new Coach. It's cute. Can you please consider removing your shitty wicker furniture, my ass doesn't fit so well...
Care to share the third box of Twinkies with me?

I'm going to cast blame here for a moment.... don't remove your mirrors.

I think I stopped looking at them for the last 10-15 years. I failed to recognize my beauty and worth because I couldn't look myself in the eyes and tell me I'm worth it. You are worth it too. Go tell yourself that. It's not a facade.

What Do You Believe and Who Told You To?

I had a very successful day yesterday. I stayed within my calorie range, felt revived and ready to hit this thing full force. I was reading an article about stopping negative thinking - the author was discussing that there are dozens of deep psychological reasons why individuals get caught up in negativity and reminds us that we don't have to know WHY we do it but to just STOP doing it. I've added a new page that is called Feed Your Head. I'll be adding articles that I run across that are helpful to me in this journey.  Maybe you'll run into something there that can help you.  After all we're all in this together. So many of you have reached out and offered your support. Tricia wrote about blogs she likes to read and included mine in her post and my followers tripled. It is really cool to get followers and I love comments so don't hesitate to give me a shout out. Additionally, I found some more really cool blogs to read and I added them to the list.

Another thing that happened yesterday was I ran into Jack's post which led me to this guy named Sam.  Before I talk more about Sam, a co-worker brought me a picture of me from when I was 14 or 15 years old (we used to hang out in school) I looked at me and really liked me. My face was thin, I could see me cheek bones and I had the most obnoxious wide-ass smile I could imagine.  I showed some of the other girls I work with and one said something that punched me right in the gut.  "You don't smile like that anymore." Yep, I don't. Sure, I can cut up with anyone and poke a joke to get a laugh, but it's not the same ...Hell, I even noticed my face getting smaller in the mirror because my frown lines were more prominent. But back to Sam, he declared that he had an epiphany and would share with his readers tomorrow and by golly he did. And he couldn't be more spot on when he says that he values himself based on his weight. I read that and was just in awe that Yes. I do that too.  I'm not trying to steal any lime light away from Sam at all but I do recognize that he may have shed some light on my own thoughts and I'm going to be exploring those - I wrote the other day about getting a letter from my mom and how there had been some resolve between us. She wrote about how proud of me she was and this meant a lot to me - it always has as she's never been one to recognize anything about me rather than my weight and how fat I am and how much I've lost and if I'm really trying to lose weight.  We've even had arguments about whether a banana should ever be eaten because don't you know? They are one of the worst fruits ever to eat? ... blah blah blah. I learned to place value on myself based on how much I weighed from the way my mother placed value on me. Today and from now on, I will teach myself to reverse those lessons. I am valuable because I am a loving wife and step mother, a provider, educated person with a Master's degree, a teacher, cancer survivor, caring, funny, loving, dedicated, insightful, analytical, honest, accomplished, dedicated, committed, self-improved woman that is worth every step in this journey.

I definitely ran into something that helped me. Thank you, Sam.

Feed Your Head - Mental Health Will Drive You Mad!

I am in a serious funk. I had a lot of "screw it" moments this weekend. I didn't meet any of my goals. Some of them, I didn't even try to meet. I'd think about them and I'd be "blah to goals". . I know how to diet. I know how to eat well. I don't know how to shape my mind though.  Folks, it's messed up. I'm working on it though. Seriously, I am. I struggle with having to be honest here and admit I blow it.  I contemplating leaving the whole blog world. I didn't want to share my story anymore.  Who wants to read about a failure? They'll unfollow... and in that thinking, I realized something. I worry too damned much about what other people think. ALL THE TIME.  Don't get me wrong, I love comments and when I get followers but I have to remember that I didn't sign up to entertain people.  I did this to hold me accountable and in the short time I"ve been writing I"m learning so much about me.  So, I won't be going away anytime soon. Another thing I discovered is I spend too much time worrying about my past. I've let my past shape my future a lot and I think I need to shape my future and let go of all these memories - I blame myself for so much and guilt myself for things I had no control over. My thoughts are so powerful and irrational at the same time... a perfect example is this past weekend marked my first husbands death 6 years ago.  He died on May 8 and on Mothers Day so Saturday sucked and Sunday sucked - it's like I got whammied twice in one year. I have blamed myself for years that "I couldn't save him" (He died of cardiac arrest and had been in kidney failure on dialysis for 3 years) but why am I blaming myself? It isn't my fault he was diabetic and chose to not take care of himself. It was his. I think it's OK to mourn my loss but I didn't have complete control of his destiny. I need to forgive myself for even thinking that way and move on. I"m sorry if this post is all over the place I just have a whole lot running around in my head... and I'm going to work on my mind set of this whole eating thing and let the food and stuff come second. If I'm not in the right frame of mind, this will only be temporary and once I get to my destination I want it to be a one way ticket. The ticket might have some lay-overs but I"m not returning to this body. 

In order to do this, I'm going to start doing the Mind Over Body 10 Step Plan over at Spark People.  You can see the full series here.  In summary, the plan looks like this:

The Awakening

The Awakening


A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.



This is your awakening.

You realize that it's a time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and in the process a sense of serenity if born of acceptance.



You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...