It has been forever since I've been able to sit down and post. Between work and the laptop at home taking a nose-dive... but all is well and good. The pretty new laptop is smiling at her new home. More importantly, what about me? LOL :) I've had a lot going on and need to catch my friends up!
First, the scale read 379.8 today. I like it when that number keeps going down down down but more on this later.
Second, I have had two appointments with my podiatrist. I was diagnosed with Acute Achilles Tendinitis in both feet/heels. That explains the broomsticks feeling I was experiencing. We're treating it with inserts in my shoes and stretching exercises. After the last few weeks, I am seeing improvement.
The dietitian... I had to cancel this appointment because my insurance has changed recently and I actually need to consult with the bariatric surgeons office before I move forward. There is a possibility that my insurance now covers the sleeve and a possibility that due to my BMI, the 6 months may not be a requirement.
The Therapist. Wow. I haven't had any formal counseling in the last 15 or so years and forgot what it was like. The very first thing I noticed was how relaxing the atmosphere was designed. Dainty tea settings, the wicker furniture and fountains... This really put me at ease waiting for her to call me in.
When she called me in, I immediately noticed her office was much the same way only even more welcoming than the waiting area. I giggled when I saw the bag of chocolate covered raisins next to her chair. I am not sure why but I found it amusing that they were in the room where we were about to discuss my weight loss surgery. Being the analytical Annie that I am, I kept wondering why they were there. I almost made a game out of it when she stepped out of the office to call my surgeon. These are the reasons I came up with:
1. "I'll keep these chocolate raisins here and see how many patients ask for some." I wouldn't even think of asking for some and if she offers... absolutely not.
2. On my white legal pad, I will tick how many times the patient looked at the bag of chocolate covered raisins. Of course, I made a mental note not to look at them.
3. Maybe she left the room to actually see if I would take them. OMG. actually steal them? Yea I haven't done that since I stole a Reese Peanut Butter cup from a car at a family Christmas celebration. ... This is where I quit obsessing over the bag of raisins sitting next to her.
I didn't see her the full hour due to the changes in my insurance but I did get a lot from the time I did spend with her. First, she demanded that I immediately stop blaming myself and others for the reason I'm fat. She was very matter-of-fact about it. It's called genetics. When I see someone of your size - there is always a genetic factor going on. The truth is you can lose weight on your own but you'll always struggle just because of that genetic reason. WLS is a physical tool to help you get past that. And that is how she wrecked my plans to post about how I remember at my high school graduation I weighed 208 pounds but have to look back in my records to know what my GPA was. The whole I let the number on the scale define my self-worth, success, failures, etc etc etc. Some of you know what I'm talking about... Anyway, that post is still coming but with a different twist. Do I believe her entirely? To a degree. I believe that WLS is a tool and when used properly can give you results in weight reduction. Do I think there are not mental barriers in being successful. Of course not. Do I create most of them on my own. I believe I do. I also believe that the relationship I have with food was passed on generation by generation. in my family. My mother would harp and harp on my to lose weight but never once took the time to teach me how. No one ever said "drink your milk to me because no one in my house liked it either. Eating healthful was defined if you ate a school salad drenched in Ranch Dressing or the pizza that was being served. (10-1 the pizza had less calorie and fat content) Is that blame? Ok. But it's true. Am I or someone responsible every single time I'm hungry or abuse food? Absolutely not. I refuse to believe that physical and mental don't go hand in hand. Fat Genes? Sure. Mind Games? Absolutely. This is her point though. Stop the blame and accept your situation. Quit analyzing why and use the tools to change. There are so many times I've posted an "aha moment" on here only to have it screw with my mind so much bringing up memories that were painful and sending me straight to the fridge. That's my mind allowing me to act on those feelings. You'll see it all over the blog world ... someone on top of the world going straight for the bullseye and *blip* gone. Fortunately some return with an I fell off the wagon post.... quit blaming you, your past, etc. Live today. Work today. Learn today. But most of all Love yourself today for who you are. Take Care.
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Showing posts with label WLS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WLS. Show all posts
April 14, 2011
The Time is Getting Closer
It's really happening and I can feel myself sinking into wanting to hide from it. Words my new Dr said to me rewind and repeat in my head constantly. ... we have to get to why you eat based on your emotions...we have to make sure your heads in the right place... in which I quickly responded. "No, wait. I know you haven't known me that long but my heads changing!" "The last doctor, the one who upset me, .. the old me would have left and not had the labs done, I would have went home and thrown the idea of having surgery out the window and would have convinced herself she could do this on her own, TOMORROW, and then ate whatever and how much ever she wanted the rest of the night. Instead, she went home after having her labs and called and made an appointment with you" He isn't stopping me." She smiled. "And... I've written everything down and even when I had a bad day... I was accountable. I had a lot more good days than bad and I can't remember the last time I have kept a food journal this long. I might have been 14 or 15. " I even admitted to her my whole food issue with Peanut Butter eggs and acknowledged "secrets"
I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey. I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist. The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief.
And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier. It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room. I love attention. I love to be the star in the room. Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion. I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt Not unless I let them in. I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely.
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through. I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me. Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day. and the thought is overwhelming...
I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey. I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist. The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief.
And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier. It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room. I love attention. I love to be the star in the room. Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion. I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt Not unless I let them in. I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely.
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through. I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me. Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day. and the thought is overwhelming...
And Lord if each mountain is only a test
Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest
And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky
And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes
And if there's still another mountain...
-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.
May 5, 2010
I'm No Daisy
Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval. She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused. Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion. I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey.
I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity. I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done. I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her. Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past. She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale. She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long". She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances. Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today. Take care of you.
Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.
I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity. I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done. I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her. Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past. She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale. She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long". She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances. Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today. Take care of you.
Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.
April 20, 2010
Weight Loss Surgery To Be or Not To Be
I have been contemplating weight loss surgery (wls) for some time now. It's a very personal decision that can not be made over night. It's a decision that I struggle with and have struggled with over 3 years now. I finally made an appointment with my surgeon in August of 2009 after witnessing my 2 cousins and cousin in law have the gastric bypass. Truth be told I made an appointment because of family pressure. I am more against my having weight loss surgery than for it. I have my reasons.
In my early twenties, I was seeing a counselor to deal with my food issues. I was really looking for the answer as to "Why am I fat?". I talked about my alcoholic father, my diet obsessed food ruling mother, the silly rules I put on food. (Thats' a whole 'nother post) and on and on and on.... Finally, I was given a book to read about weight and the issues women have with it and the only thing that sticks out in my mind after reading it was this. When one has tried every diet known to mankind and fails, you are offered surgery! I read that as the final "I give up" moment. I guess today I'm still looking at it as a give up moment. I know I'm supposed to look at wls as a tool for losing weight. A means to make the journey easier. But seriously, who wants to live on liquid for six weeks and then move on to foods like 3 grapes for breakfast. What will I learn if I make the journey easier? If I don't fix my thoughts and my reactions to life, then what good is the tool going to do me? Eventually I'll learn how to expand my stomach from the size of a walnut back to a tennis ball to a fist... and on an on and on...
Did you know that wls statistics are that after 5 years there is a 50% failure rate? Seriously. Are those good odds? I'd rather go to the horse races.
I have some strong personal reasons for not wanting to have wls.
1. My aunt had severe complications after having hers. She isn't on the 50% of the success rate. I've had cervical cancer once. I am a survivor. She has battled cancer ever since her surgery - from the moment they opened her up saw nothing and then removed a 12 pound cyst and one of her kidneys 6 months later. You can't convince me one didn't have to do with the other.
2. For every success story I hear about people dying, complications. Horrible horrible stories.
3. I am a fighter. I don't want to give in to the beast. I can beat this on my own while I transform my thoughts and beliefs into being a healthy person. (I'm not suggesting anyone who has had wls is wrong. I firmly believe its a personal decision and want anyone to be successful at becoming healthier)
4. God gave me this body, mind and soul. I don't think I should go tampering with how he designed me.
And of course, I have reasons why I should.
1. If I don't get my shit together soon, I'm not going to be here for my husband and step-children.
2. Baby K will never remember me fat.
3. CD keeps asking when I'm going to be skinny.
4. I hate being fat.
So here I am today... blogging about it still flip flopping and I have a goal to meet to see my doctor for my 6 months starting in May and I'm avoiding it. I'm doing absolutely nothing to make that appointment. Why? I don't know - I've gotten a lot of support 'round here as of late and it feels good being the one in control. It feels good watching the scale go down. I don't know where I'll be but I know I need to do the requirements so that in the event I end up like Mario with one life left, I better be prepared. I see people that have beat this game and done it by making good choices, small changes and are committed to their life style change without the risk of surgery and they had more weight to lose than me. I look to these people every day for support and they'll probably never know how much I get from them sharing their story. I am moving in the same direction of their success. The only difference is, my journey has just begun. Take care of you.
In my early twenties, I was seeing a counselor to deal with my food issues. I was really looking for the answer as to "Why am I fat?". I talked about my alcoholic father, my diet obsessed food ruling mother, the silly rules I put on food. (Thats' a whole 'nother post) and on and on and on.... Finally, I was given a book to read about weight and the issues women have with it and the only thing that sticks out in my mind after reading it was this. When one has tried every diet known to mankind and fails, you are offered surgery! I read that as the final "I give up" moment. I guess today I'm still looking at it as a give up moment. I know I'm supposed to look at wls as a tool for losing weight. A means to make the journey easier. But seriously, who wants to live on liquid for six weeks and then move on to foods like 3 grapes for breakfast. What will I learn if I make the journey easier? If I don't fix my thoughts and my reactions to life, then what good is the tool going to do me? Eventually I'll learn how to expand my stomach from the size of a walnut back to a tennis ball to a fist... and on an on and on...
Did you know that wls statistics are that after 5 years there is a 50% failure rate? Seriously. Are those good odds? I'd rather go to the horse races.
I have some strong personal reasons for not wanting to have wls.
1. My aunt had severe complications after having hers. She isn't on the 50% of the success rate. I've had cervical cancer once. I am a survivor. She has battled cancer ever since her surgery - from the moment they opened her up saw nothing and then removed a 12 pound cyst and one of her kidneys 6 months later. You can't convince me one didn't have to do with the other.
2. For every success story I hear about people dying, complications. Horrible horrible stories.
3. I am a fighter. I don't want to give in to the beast. I can beat this on my own while I transform my thoughts and beliefs into being a healthy person. (I'm not suggesting anyone who has had wls is wrong. I firmly believe its a personal decision and want anyone to be successful at becoming healthier)
4. God gave me this body, mind and soul. I don't think I should go tampering with how he designed me.
And of course, I have reasons why I should.
1. If I don't get my shit together soon, I'm not going to be here for my husband and step-children.
2. Baby K will never remember me fat.
3. CD keeps asking when I'm going to be skinny.
4. I hate being fat.
So here I am today... blogging about it still flip flopping and I have a goal to meet to see my doctor for my 6 months starting in May and I'm avoiding it. I'm doing absolutely nothing to make that appointment. Why? I don't know - I've gotten a lot of support 'round here as of late and it feels good being the one in control. It feels good watching the scale go down. I don't know where I'll be but I know I need to do the requirements so that in the event I end up like Mario with one life left, I better be prepared. I see people that have beat this game and done it by making good choices, small changes and are committed to their life style change without the risk of surgery and they had more weight to lose than me. I look to these people every day for support and they'll probably never know how much I get from them sharing their story. I am moving in the same direction of their success. The only difference is, my journey has just begun. Take care of you.
March 30, 2010
Where it all began...
I am not a yo-yo dieter. I don't have stories of losing 100 pounds and then regaining it. Twice. I have lost weight in the past. I successfully lost weight the summer pre-middle school. My secret? I ate a lot of apples, rode my bike every day always 4 miles a day but often 8. I wrote down everything I ate and when my total calories in reached 1000, I was done for the day. That was the same summer that I would day dream from the backseat of my aunt's Cherokee Jeep while waiting for my diet pop, no ice (you got more and it was still cold), that when I could drive I would go to McDonald's and I would order 1 of everything. Visions of Mc Chicken sandwiches danced in my head. I think that was the summer of their debut. Seriously, how bad could a chicken sandwich be? It's chicken! Those thoughts consumed me every single time we waited in that drive-thru. I went back home at the end of summer to return to school. I had a new body but I didn't have a new mind. My mother was so proud of my transformation. She bought me every designer jean label I wanted from Calvin Klein to Jordache. She showed me off to everyone, telling me to "Stand up, turn around. See how much weight she's lost?". Nice. Please remind me and everyone else how FAT I used to be. Thank God she didn't shout those directions when my boobies started to grow. And in private, I'd stand up, turn around and see how FAT I still was. My mother was a food nazi. Not because we were poor or she was into diet and fitness. I believe it's because she had her own demons. I've spend a lot of years blaming her for my food obsession. I'm 40 years old. I think it's time I accept the fact that I'm to blame for my own obsession and I'm using her as an excuse.
Over to the right, you'll see the blogs I stalk daily. I have read Pasta Queen for years now. I envied her results and her determination. I've watched her become a successful loser. Her life changed. I recently surfed into Zeusmeatball and he inspired me. I am struggling with the whole gastric bypass surgery option because my cousins just recently did it and look wonderful. And my mom is all "I'll pay your co-pay if you Just Do IT!" Sure, they may joke about having 3 grapes for breakfast but one thing is for sure, they have taken the toll off their bodies. Zeus led me to the Anti-Jared. Wow its this guy full of himself! Pun intended. And he's given me reason to rethink this whole WLS thing. And then there's Sean. I love his positive attitude and the good choices he makes. He inspires me to make good choices. I can't get enough of either of these 3 guys. I relate to them so much because they're real, the tell it how it is and they cut out the BS.
I'm joining the journey guys. I weighed in at 411 at my gastric bypass doctor's office on some sunny day in August of 2009. I've put off doing the insurance requrements until just recently. (6 months dr supervised weight monitoring). I don't know what I weigh today. My scales aren't working right so new ones are on the way as I type. I should know by April 1. So for now, we'll start with 411 and make adjustments along the way. Besides that, it will really screw with readers why I called myself 411 gurl if I was really 423 or something like that. Anyhow, I'm not committing to the surgery but I am committing to doing my six months. At completing the requirements, I'll reaccess my needs. I won't be perfect but I'll be real. Please join me along the way.
411 Gurl
Over to the right, you'll see the blogs I stalk daily. I have read Pasta Queen for years now. I envied her results and her determination. I've watched her become a successful loser. Her life changed. I recently surfed into Zeusmeatball and he inspired me. I am struggling with the whole gastric bypass surgery option because my cousins just recently did it and look wonderful. And my mom is all "I'll pay your co-pay if you Just Do IT!" Sure, they may joke about having 3 grapes for breakfast but one thing is for sure, they have taken the toll off their bodies. Zeus led me to the Anti-Jared. Wow its this guy full of himself! Pun intended. And he's given me reason to rethink this whole WLS thing. And then there's Sean. I love his positive attitude and the good choices he makes. He inspires me to make good choices. I can't get enough of either of these 3 guys. I relate to them so much because they're real, the tell it how it is and they cut out the BS.
I'm joining the journey guys. I weighed in at 411 at my gastric bypass doctor's office on some sunny day in August of 2009. I've put off doing the insurance requrements until just recently. (6 months dr supervised weight monitoring). I don't know what I weigh today. My scales aren't working right so new ones are on the way as I type. I should know by April 1. So for now, we'll start with 411 and make adjustments along the way. Besides that, it will really screw with readers why I called myself 411 gurl if I was really 423 or something like that. Anyhow, I'm not committing to the surgery but I am committing to doing my six months. At completing the requirements, I'll reaccess my needs. I won't be perfect but I'll be real. Please join me along the way.
411 Gurl
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