What's for Lunch Friday...

I just had a yummy lunch. 1/2 of Pink Lady Apple, a small banana, 2 celery sticks, and a few braided wheat pretzels with some peanut butter.  Fun to eat and filling. Glad to see Blogger is back up and running. Glad the weekend is almost here too!!! What was in your lunch?

The Time is Getting Closer

It's really happening and I can feel myself sinking into wanting to hide from it.  Words my new Dr said to me rewind and repeat in my head constantly.  ... we have to get to why you eat based on your emotions...we have to make sure your heads in the right place...  in which I quickly responded. "No, wait. I know you haven't known me that long but my heads changing!" "The last doctor, the one who upset me, .. the old me would have left and not had the labs done, I would have went home and thrown the idea of having surgery out the window and would have convinced herself she could do this on her own, TOMORROW, and then ate whatever and how much ever she wanted the rest of the night.  Instead, she went home after having her labs and called and made an appointment with you"  He isn't stopping me." She smiled. "And... I've written everything down and even when I had a bad day... I was accountable.  I had a lot more good days than bad and I can't remember the last time I have kept a food journal this long. I might have been 14 or 15. "  I even admitted to her my whole food issue with Peanut Butter eggs and acknowledged "secrets"

I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey.  I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist.  The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief. 

And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier.  It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room.  I love attention. I love to be the star in the room.  Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion.  I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt  Not unless I let them in.   I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely. 
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through.  I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me.  Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day.  and the thought is overwhelming...

And Lord if each mountain is only a test

Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest

And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky

And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes

And if there's still another mountain...

-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.

Today is your last chance to win the lunchbox.... Good Luck. You can register Here. 



Face Lift Time and some of my favorite places...

I have had a great weekend.  I changed the layout and look of the blog.  I was tired of the old template and wanted something new.  I think I like pink because that sure didn't change... oh well :)
I'm working on a reference page for some of the sites I visit often in this journey..  I often marvel at the size of what the World Wide Web actually is compared to the places I've been... I'm sure the percent I read or come across is minuscule to its' actual size... Please share with me your favorite sites on your journey so we can expand our horizons together.
Not in particular order:

DietFacts.Com for Calorie Counts

Myfitmesspal.com for Calorie Counts, Recipe analyzer and tools

Sparkpeople.com  provides calorie counts, recipe analyzer, tools and especially informative information not to mention the inspiration their members give

Caloriecount.com for calorie counts, recipe analyzer, recipe index and some great toolbars

All right friends, show me what I'm missing....

The Stairs That Beat Me Down

It was this post that made me remember the day and tears filled my eyes.   The day I couldn't climb the stairs at work without resting midflight. Twice. Broken Elevator. Broken Spirit. I was ashamed at what I'd become. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wrote about it on my new Spark account that day.  I never returned to Spark. That was in 2008.
Today, I have to walk across to another building to get something required for work. I thought of my failed stair day. The mere thought puts me into a mild anxiety attack just like the fear of a fire drill. Our department reports to the other side of the buildings parking lot for a fire drill. Our complex easily sits on 10 acres. Other employees are complaining that they have to walk so far but they can physically walk it.  I have to rest between walking to our time clock from the parking lot and still show up at my desk short of breath. My health status can no longer be hidden. This is life at 400 pounds people.

I lost my focus on both Saturday and Sunday. I allowed things that I knew were wrong. I allowed excuses that were merely that. An excuse is nothing more than giving yourself a "free pass" to do it. I had closed the excuse box by about 3pm on Sunday and returned to focusing on me and what needed to be done. I woke up this morning with a revived feeling. Glad I was going back to work where it's easier to stay focused. I keep telling myself that 2 bad meals out of a week is a hell of a lot better than meal after meal being bad. I also keep telling myself that that behavior is what got me to over 400 pounds. Little changes, Little changes... and then Tony's Post smacked me right in the face. My life was Tony's life 2 years ago.  2 years ago. In 2 years I could run across to the other building if I just stay on track. In 2 years, I could return to this post and say, "Yes that was me then, but look at me now."  2 years ago I couldn't climb the same stairs I can't do today. I've wasted a lot of time and for what? A cheeseburger? A fry? Really. It's rather pathetic.

Both meals I feel i made poor choices on didn't even satisfy me.  What's worse, is I spent the last 2 days beating myself up-going back and forth rationalizing the next excuse only to find out that when I actually sat down and did calorie calculations I had only exceeded the amount by 1618 calories in total both days. BOTH DAYS. I avoided posting and turned on the negative self-talk over 1618 calories? There are 1200 calories in a large caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen. There are 1240 calories in a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. So the breakdown is this. Could I have made better choices? Yes. I didn't have enough fruits and vegetable either day.  If I had, I would not have exceeded my amounts because I'd have been full and not filled with empty calories. Did I eat a blizzard and all that McDonalds crap? Obviously not. However, those examples show you how easy it is to break your calorie budget just going through the drive-thru.  Time and time again, that little upset to the apple cart would have caused me to give up entirely and say "I can't do this, it's too hard" "I've blown it, might as well binge." or any other excuse I could take on to just give up.  I didn't this time. I let the storm pass. I kept returning to where I want to go in this journey and when I sat down to face the damage and hold myself accountable, I'd actually made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am thrilled it only totalled 1618 calories. I expected at least 5,000 because in my mind, that's how much I'd blown things out of proportion.   Lesson learned: write everything down to keep it in persepctive.
Today has been a great day. I'm right on track with everything. I'm thankful for everyone I read as we've all experienced a little bit of what the other has. Take care of you.