The Awakening

The Awakening


A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.



This is your awakening.

You realize that it's a time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and in the process a sense of serenity if born of acceptance.



You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...

I'm No Daisy

Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval.  She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused.  Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion.  I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey. 

I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity.  I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done.  I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her.  Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past.  She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale.  She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long".  She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances.  Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today.  Take care of you.

Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.

Sometimes Staying in Jail is the Better Option

I stay within my calorie budget 99% of the time Monday - Friday 5p.m. and then all hell cuts loose. I get lazy, I don't blog, I have a running calorie calculation in my head. I say "yes" to eating out more than I should KNOWING I won't have good food options and then I come back here and complain about it. Are we seeing a cycle? Somewhere I have gotten the notion that Saturday and Sunday are like "Get out of Jail Free" cards and I'm allowing my ass to linger at Free Parking for as long as I want. Unacceptable. Do you know the luxury tax it will cost me in pounds if I continue to do this? The question is do I want to keep rolling the dice or use another "Get out of Jail free Card" this weekend? I think I'll set behind the bars and roll my dice - take a chance at getting doubles for good behavior.

3 DAYS

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

3 ROLLS !!!

With that being said, I'm giving away my "Get out of Jail Free Cards" if any of you are interested, leave a comment and I'll refer you back to this post as to why you shouldn't take them or use them. 

My Goals this week.

1. 
   
   64 oz of water everyday
2. 
   
   Write down everything I put into my mouth every day.
3. 
   
   Plan weekend meals before the weekend gets here.
4. 
   
   Write 3 posts this week. 1 must be written Saturday or Sunday.

Sausage Veggie Grill or Hobo Dinner

This past Saturday we did have an awesome dinner from the grill. Hubby took 3 beer brats, sliced them into pieces and made 4 little "hobo dinners" for all of us to enjoy. He wrapped the brat slices in heavy tinfoil with an ear of corn, sliced red peppers, zucchinni, yellow summer squash, baby porabellos, and onion.  Then he put a light drizzle of olive oil over it and seasoned it with pepper, garlic and onion powder. He grilled the little pouches for about 45 minutes and it was fabulous. We got the idea from seeing this recipe here. We reduced the calories and fat by reducing the amount of sausage and olive oil to make it more calorie friendly.  My aunt and uncle used to make something similar with burger and veggies when we'd go camping on the campfire. Try it, I'll bet you like it.

Some He Said /She Said moments from today...

411 Gurl: you know what i would really like to do with our birthday money.

Hubby: what

411 Gurl: get a new scale so that i can keep track of this journey. i've lost my gungho without being able to weigh

Hubby: yes

 

411 Gurl: I want to be a butterfly not a caterpillar

 

Hubby: You're always a butterfly to me.

 

 

Ordered and shipped today.

 

Take Care of You.