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May 5, 2010

I'm No Daisy

Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval.  She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused.  Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion.  I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey. 

I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity.  I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done.  I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her.  Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past.  She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale.  She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long".  She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances.  Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today.  Take care of you.

Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.

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