I am in a bit of a struggle. Something is eating me and I can't quite pin point what it is. Or maybe I just got lazy and thought I could sneak a calorie 1 or 100 in here and there. You can't.
One thing I noticed though; I don't like to admit failure and I quit posting; at least until I have something good to say Nothing is more annoying than a weight loss blog that is always - "look at me! Look how easy this is". Frankly, weight loss is not frigging easy and anybody that tells you differently is full of crapola. I have been allowing myself to cave to my cravings regardless of where my calories are for the day - I'm still logging them but OMG this has to stop. I weighed in at 395.6 today.
Last week a co-worker stopped by my office to tell me she was at exactly a 100 pound loss from her WLS in November. I am so happy for her!. She threw me into a tailspin though. She was openly talking about how she used to eat 8 Reese's eggs but now only eats 1 and she's satisfied, then she told me how she would eat a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting but now only eats one row of the cookies (about 6 i think). Other people could hear us talking. She was embarrassing me. The whole time I was thinking please shut up. Please don't talk like I know or can relate to eating 8 Reese's eggs. I don't want these people to know I do these things too. SHUT UP NOW. I could literally feel my body sinking trying to crawl under my desk and at the same time I saw how mentally healthy she is in her journey. Not only has she cut back on her binge foods - she can admit them openly. Fearlessly. I can't even write them on my blog....
Sure, I can say I had way too much chocolate this weekend and you wouldn't know if that meant 3 Hershey kisses or 100. I still can't do it. I can't type it out.
Just reliving that moment with her brought up so much guilt, shame and ridicule in me. Writing this out has taken a long time today because as I write, I reflect on why I have those feelings... I was raised in a house of secrets of having an alcoholic father who was abusive. It was only recently I discovered my own aunt didn't know my father was abusive until I told her in passing about a fight I remembered. I remember how bad I felt for my mother. Realizing she has hid these secrets for so many years and had no one to share with or reach out for help because of shame or fear that she shows any weakness makes me hurt for her. My heart aches that she endured that alone. That's what I'm afraid of. Showing others my weakness. That's why I'm here. To remember I'm not alone.
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Showing posts with label One Day at a Time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Day at a Time. Show all posts
April 4, 2011
April 14, 2010
The Stomach: Not a Garbage Can
Instant message to hubby
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.
I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full. Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand. Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope. I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.
Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy. Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).
I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.
I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full. Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand. Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope. I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.
Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy. Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).
I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!
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