The scales and I have not spoke since Friday. I wanted to visit with her this morning but I was running late. It's rather ironic that I would turn to her to assess my damage. I don't trust the bitch when I do good. Why would I trust her when I waiver a bit? I need to own my journey. I need to speak up and quit allowing others to help guide my journey. There is not one food that passes a person's lips that taste as good as success does. At times, I feel like I'm stuck with no voice. No ability to say "No" I won't eat that. Sometimes I feel like I have the winning numbers to a Million Dollar jackpot, when it comes to losing this weight, but feel I don't deserve to win so I sabotage it. I burn the ticket.
Friends, those statements are about value. They're about how much you value yourself to keep going forward in your journey. Time and time again you read that it doesn't stop when you hit the magic number on the scale. It doesn't stop when you naturally drink tons and tons of water a day. It doesn't stop when you work out 3-5 times a week. It's all of these things combined and more that create your healthy lifestyle. You can't expect to hit home runs if your feet never touch second and/or third base. You don't have to do it all at once but start out slow. Right now, I'm focusing on taking all of the value I put in food and putting more value in me. I need a clear head to move forward. I must be getting better because my mind says pretty nice things to me lately. It's also reminding me that I need to put exercise into this journey... rather taunting me right now, however my mind has started to revel on how fast my body will adapt to exercise and become stronger as each day goes by. It's all of those little things I can't do now that exercise will cause me to start doing again. Watching it happen will be the measuring tool. I have just little over a year to reach the goal of going to Memorial Day 2011. That's a mere 365 days. I will not be sitting here posting a year from now at 400 pounds. It's not going to happen. I refuse to let it happen because I do own my journey. Are you owning yours?
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Showing posts with label Small Changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Small Changes. Show all posts
May 25, 2010
May 11, 2010
Are you sure it's not a Facade?
That was the question my therapist asked me back in the early 90's when I told her I didn't need her help anymore. Everything about therapy had become a facade. I got two things from therapy. I was in my late 20's early 30's and had never dealt with my fathers death when I was 12. I had dealt with it. Big Deal. He was an alcoholic. An abusive man. And he was gone. He didn't do anymore for me alive than he did dead.
The second thing was is that I didn't like silence. If it was quiet, Mary had something to say. I can't say I've stepped away from it but I can acknowledge it.
What she didn't know is that the rest of my stories I shared with her were nothing but lies. Within the first 15 minutes of my first session I sensed her judging me. Was she really or was I just listening to the voices in my head? Probably both. Judging is human nature. I can't honestly say I know - but I do know I didn't want her to know my dirty little secrets. ... I guess I'll keep you in suspense because I've shared more with you reading this than I ever did with her at about $90 a session.
I wanted her to diagnose me. I wanted her to give me the answer that caused my food issues. Why do I refuse to eat tomatoes that are too cold? Why do I not lose weight? The only answers she ever had was throw out your scales, take all the mirrors out of your house and buy more than you can eat in one sitting. Wow. She just challenged me to eat 2 boxes of Twinkies in one sitting rather than one. This is a goal I can lose at every time! Thanks, that was great advice. Here's my credit card. Ching Ching. Go buy yourself a new Coach. It's cute. Can you please consider removing your shitty wicker furniture, my ass doesn't fit so well...
Care to share the third box of Twinkies with me?
I'm going to cast blame here for a moment.... don't remove your mirrors.
I think I stopped looking at them for the last 10-15 years. I failed to recognize my beauty and worth because I couldn't look myself in the eyes and tell me I'm worth it. You are worth it too. Go tell yourself that. It's not a facade.
The second thing was is that I didn't like silence. If it was quiet, Mary had something to say. I can't say I've stepped away from it but I can acknowledge it.
What she didn't know is that the rest of my stories I shared with her were nothing but lies. Within the first 15 minutes of my first session I sensed her judging me. Was she really or was I just listening to the voices in my head? Probably both. Judging is human nature. I can't honestly say I know - but I do know I didn't want her to know my dirty little secrets. ... I guess I'll keep you in suspense because I've shared more with you reading this than I ever did with her at about $90 a session.
I wanted her to diagnose me. I wanted her to give me the answer that caused my food issues. Why do I refuse to eat tomatoes that are too cold? Why do I not lose weight? The only answers she ever had was throw out your scales, take all the mirrors out of your house and buy more than you can eat in one sitting. Wow. She just challenged me to eat 2 boxes of Twinkies in one sitting rather than one. This is a goal I can lose at every time! Thanks, that was great advice. Here's my credit card. Ching Ching. Go buy yourself a new Coach. It's cute. Can you please consider removing your shitty wicker furniture, my ass doesn't fit so well...
Care to share the third box of Twinkies with me?
I'm going to cast blame here for a moment.... don't remove your mirrors.
I think I stopped looking at them for the last 10-15 years. I failed to recognize my beauty and worth because I couldn't look myself in the eyes and tell me I'm worth it. You are worth it too. Go tell yourself that. It's not a facade.
What Do You Believe and Who Told You To?
I had a very successful day yesterday. I stayed within my calorie range, felt revived and ready to hit this thing full force. I was reading an article about stopping negative thinking - the author was discussing that there are dozens of deep psychological reasons why individuals get caught up in negativity and reminds us that we don't have to know WHY we do it but to just STOP doing it. I've added a new page that is called Feed Your Head. I'll be adding articles that I run across that are helpful to me in this journey. Maybe you'll run into something there that can help you. After all we're all in this together. So many of you have reached out and offered your support. Tricia wrote about blogs she likes to read and included mine in her post and my followers tripled. It is really cool to get followers and I love comments so don't hesitate to give me a shout out. Additionally, I found some more really cool blogs to read and I added them to the list.
Another thing that happened yesterday was I ran into Jack's post which led me to this guy named Sam. Before I talk more about Sam, a co-worker brought me a picture of me from when I was 14 or 15 years old (we used to hang out in school) I looked at me and really liked me. My face was thin, I could see me cheek bones and I had the most obnoxious wide-ass smile I could imagine. I showed some of the other girls I work with and one said something that punched me right in the gut. "You don't smile like that anymore." Yep, I don't. Sure, I can cut up with anyone and poke a joke to get a laugh, but it's not the same ...Hell, I even noticed my face getting smaller in the mirror because my frown lines were more prominent. But back to Sam, he declared that he had an epiphany and would share with his readers tomorrow and by golly he did. And he couldn't be more spot on when he says that he values himself based on his weight. I read that and was just in awe that Yes. I do that too. I'm not trying to steal any lime light away from Sam at all but I do recognize that he may have shed some light on my own thoughts and I'm going to be exploring those - I wrote the other day about getting a letter from my mom and how there had been some resolve between us. She wrote about how proud of me she was and this meant a lot to me - it always has as she's never been one to recognize anything about me rather than my weight and how fat I am and how much I've lost and if I'm really trying to lose weight. We've even had arguments about whether a banana should ever be eaten because don't you know? They are one of the worst fruits ever to eat? ... blah blah blah. I learned to place value on myself based on how much I weighed from the way my mother placed value on me. Today and from now on, I will teach myself to reverse those lessons. I am valuable because I am a loving wife and step mother, a provider, educated person with a Master's degree, a teacher, cancer survivor, caring, funny, loving, dedicated, insightful, analytical, honest, accomplished, dedicated, committed, self-improved woman that is worth every step in this journey.
I definitely ran into something that helped me. Thank you, Sam.
Another thing that happened yesterday was I ran into Jack's post which led me to this guy named Sam. Before I talk more about Sam, a co-worker brought me a picture of me from when I was 14 or 15 years old (we used to hang out in school) I looked at me and really liked me. My face was thin, I could see me cheek bones and I had the most obnoxious wide-ass smile I could imagine. I showed some of the other girls I work with and one said something that punched me right in the gut. "You don't smile like that anymore." Yep, I don't. Sure, I can cut up with anyone and poke a joke to get a laugh, but it's not the same ...Hell, I even noticed my face getting smaller in the mirror because my frown lines were more prominent. But back to Sam, he declared that he had an epiphany and would share with his readers tomorrow and by golly he did. And he couldn't be more spot on when he says that he values himself based on his weight. I read that and was just in awe that Yes. I do that too. I'm not trying to steal any lime light away from Sam at all but I do recognize that he may have shed some light on my own thoughts and I'm going to be exploring those - I wrote the other day about getting a letter from my mom and how there had been some resolve between us. She wrote about how proud of me she was and this meant a lot to me - it always has as she's never been one to recognize anything about me rather than my weight and how fat I am and how much I've lost and if I'm really trying to lose weight. We've even had arguments about whether a banana should ever be eaten because don't you know? They are one of the worst fruits ever to eat? ... blah blah blah. I learned to place value on myself based on how much I weighed from the way my mother placed value on me. Today and from now on, I will teach myself to reverse those lessons. I am valuable because I am a loving wife and step mother, a provider, educated person with a Master's degree, a teacher, cancer survivor, caring, funny, loving, dedicated, insightful, analytical, honest, accomplished, dedicated, committed, self-improved woman that is worth every step in this journey.
I definitely ran into something that helped me. Thank you, Sam.
May 5, 2010
I'm No Daisy
Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval. She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused. Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion. I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey.
I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity. I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done. I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her. Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past. She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale. She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long". She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances. Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today. Take care of you.
Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.
I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity. I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done. I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her. Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past. She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale. She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long". She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances. Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today. Take care of you.
Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.
April 14, 2010
The Stomach: Not a Garbage Can
Instant message to hubby
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.
I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full. Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand. Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope. I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.
Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy. Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).
I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.
I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full. Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand. Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope. I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.
Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy. Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).
I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!
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