I'm No Daisy

Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval.  She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused.  Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion.  I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey. 

I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity.  I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done.  I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her.  Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past.  She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale.  She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long".  She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances.  Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today.  Take care of you.

Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.

Where it all began...

I am not a yo-yo dieter. I don't have stories of losing 100 pounds and then regaining it. Twice. I have lost weight in the past. I successfully lost weight the summer pre-middle school. My secret? I ate a lot of apples, rode my bike every day always 4 miles a day but often 8. I wrote down everything I ate and when my total calories in reached 1000, I was done for the day. That was the same summer that I would day dream from the backseat of my aunt's Cherokee Jeep while waiting for my diet pop, no ice (you got more and it was still cold), that when I could drive I would go to McDonald's and I would order 1 of everything. Visions of Mc Chicken sandwiches danced in my head. I think that was the summer of their debut. Seriously, how bad could a chicken sandwich be? It's chicken! Those thoughts consumed me every single time we waited in that drive-thru. I went back home at the end of summer to return to school. I had a new body but I didn't have a new mind. My mother was so proud of my transformation. She bought me every designer jean label I wanted from Calvin Klein to Jordache. She showed me off to everyone, telling me to "Stand up, turn around. See how much weight she's lost?". Nice. Please remind me and everyone else how FAT I used to be. Thank God she didn't shout those directions when my boobies started to grow.  And in private, I'd stand up, turn around and see how FAT I still was. My mother was a food nazi. Not because we were poor or she was into diet and fitness. I believe it's because she had her own demons. I've spend a lot of years blaming her for my food obsession. I'm 40 years old. I think it's time I accept the fact that I'm to blame for my own obsession and I'm using her as an excuse.
Over to the right, you'll see the blogs I stalk daily. I have read Pasta Queen for years now. I envied her results and her determination. I've watched her become a successful loser. Her life changed. I recently surfed into Zeusmeatball and he inspired me.  I am struggling with the whole gastric bypass surgery option because my cousins just recently did it and look wonderful. And my mom is all "I'll pay your co-pay if you Just Do IT!" Sure, they may joke about having 3 grapes for breakfast but one thing is for sure, they have taken the toll off their bodies. Zeus led me to the Anti-Jared. Wow its this guy full of himself! Pun intended. And he's given me reason to rethink this whole WLS thing. And then there's Sean.  I love his positive attitude and the good choices he makes. He inspires me to make good choices. I can't get enough of either of these 3 guys. I relate to them so much because they're real, the tell it how it is and they cut out the BS.
 I'm joining the journey guys. I weighed in at 411 at my gastric bypass doctor's office on some sunny day in August of 2009. I've put off doing the insurance requrements until just recently. (6 months dr supervised weight monitoring).  I don't know what I weigh today. My scales aren't working right so new ones are on the way as I type. I should know by April 1.  So for now, we'll start with 411 and make adjustments along the way. Besides that, it will really screw with readers why I called myself 411 gurl if I was really 423 or something like that.  Anyhow, I'm not committing to the surgery but I am committing to doing my six months.  At completing the requirements, I'll reaccess my needs. I won't be perfect but I'll be real. Please join me along the way.

411 Gurl