And the Winner is...

Monique from Washington has replied to her winning notification email and will be receiving her Fit & Fresh Lunch on the Go.  Way to go Monique!!!!

I plan to do more of these in the near future!  Thanks for reading and I'll most likely be posting tomorrow after my appointment with my podiatrist. Take Care.

Check your Email ...

The winner of the Fresh N Fit Lunch on the Go has been notified!!!

It's a lucky weekend!  I placed 3rd in a Charity Hold Em Tourney!!!

The Time is Getting Closer

It's really happening and I can feel myself sinking into wanting to hide from it.  Words my new Dr said to me rewind and repeat in my head constantly.  ... we have to get to why you eat based on your emotions...we have to make sure your heads in the right place...  in which I quickly responded. "No, wait. I know you haven't known me that long but my heads changing!" "The last doctor, the one who upset me, .. the old me would have left and not had the labs done, I would have went home and thrown the idea of having surgery out the window and would have convinced herself she could do this on her own, TOMORROW, and then ate whatever and how much ever she wanted the rest of the night.  Instead, she went home after having her labs and called and made an appointment with you"  He isn't stopping me." She smiled. "And... I've written everything down and even when I had a bad day... I was accountable.  I had a lot more good days than bad and I can't remember the last time I have kept a food journal this long. I might have been 14 or 15. "  I even admitted to her my whole food issue with Peanut Butter eggs and acknowledged "secrets"

I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey.  I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist.  The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief. 

And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier.  It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room.  I love attention. I love to be the star in the room.  Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion.  I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt  Not unless I let them in.   I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely. 
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through.  I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me.  Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day.  and the thought is overwhelming...

And Lord if each mountain is only a test

Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest

And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky

And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes

And if there's still another mountain...

-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.

Today is your last chance to win the lunchbox.... Good Luck. You can register Here. 



Doctor Check In

There are only a few more days left before the winner is announced for the Fit & Fresh Lunchbox.  You can sign up here.  I don't require any long drawn out qualifications, no following, no commenting or linking.  Simply fill out the form and cross your fingers.  It really is that simple. 

I saw my new doctor Friday and I loved her!  I have never had such a great experience with a medical professional in my life.  I felt like I had known her my whole life and could tell her anything.  This appointment marked my third month in the six month requirement for my insurance company to approve my surgery.  I can't believe I am half way there.

Spring has Sprung - Let's Do a Giveaway!!!

This giveaway has now ended.

I went shopping today for a new lunchbox and had an idea.  Instead of buying one, I got two so that I could give one away to the lucky you! 

Product Description

Prepare healthy meals to take with you the perfect way to take your own meal with you wherever you go. The generous large compartments are perfect for sides, condiments or storing your coldcuts seperately. Microwave safe. top cover keeps tight seal to ensure that food stays fresh and cool. may also be used as a plate mivrowave safe side dish containers hold dessert, condiments,or keep your sandwich meats away from your bread until your ready to build. ice pack keeps lunch chilled and fresh sandwich vault the main compartment holds a salad as well as a sandwich or last night's leftovers

The Weakend

I am in a bit of a struggle. Something is eating me and I can't quite pin point what it is. Or maybe I just got lazy and thought I could sneak a calorie 1 or 100 in here and there. You can't. 
One thing I noticed though; I don't like to admit failure and I quit posting; at least until I have something good to say Nothing is more annoying than a weight loss blog that is always - "look at me! Look how easy this is".  Frankly, weight loss is not frigging easy and anybody that tells you differently is full of crapola. I have been allowing myself to cave to my cravings regardless of where my calories are for the day - I'm still logging them but OMG this has to stop.  I weighed in at 395.6 today.
Last week a co-worker stopped by my office to tell me she was at exactly a 100 pound loss from her WLS  in November. I am so happy for her!.  She threw me into a tailspin though.  She was openly talking about how she used to eat 8 Reese's eggs but now only eats 1 and she's satisfied, then she told me how she would eat a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting but now only eats one row of the cookies (about 6 i think). Other people could hear us talking. She was embarrassing me. The whole time I was thinking please shut up.  Please don't talk like I know or can relate to eating 8 Reese's eggs. I don't want these people to know I do these things too. SHUT UP NOW.  I could literally feel my body sinking trying to crawl under my desk and at the same time I saw how mentally healthy she is in her journey.  Not only has she cut back on her binge foods - she can admit them openly.  Fearlessly.  I can't even write them on my blog....
Sure, I can say I had way too much chocolate this weekend and you wouldn't know if that meant 3 Hershey kisses or 100.  I still can't do it. I can't type it out.
Just reliving that moment with her brought up so much guilt, shame and ridicule in me.  Writing this out has taken a long time today because as I write, I reflect on why I have those feelings... I was raised in a house of secrets of having an alcoholic father who was abusive. It was only recently I discovered my own aunt didn't know my father was abusive until I told her in passing about a fight I remembered. I remember how bad I felt for my mother.  Realizing she has hid these secrets for so many years and had no one to share with or reach out for help because of shame or fear that she shows any weakness makes me hurt for her.  My heart aches that she endured that alone. That's what I'm afraid of.  Showing others my weakness. That's why I'm here. To remember I'm not alone.

I am no Jack Sh*t.

It's easy to post on your blog when the food you do beat.
It sucks when things aren't going so great and you have to admit
That I did over Eat.
I'm not perfect and I don't expect more from you than me
but this weekend got me and I wish food
would let my mind and body free.