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April 4, 2011

The Weakend

I am in a bit of a struggle. Something is eating me and I can't quite pin point what it is. Or maybe I just got lazy and thought I could sneak a calorie 1 or 100 in here and there. You can't. 
One thing I noticed though; I don't like to admit failure and I quit posting; at least until I have something good to say Nothing is more annoying than a weight loss blog that is always - "look at me! Look how easy this is".  Frankly, weight loss is not frigging easy and anybody that tells you differently is full of crapola. I have been allowing myself to cave to my cravings regardless of where my calories are for the day - I'm still logging them but OMG this has to stop.  I weighed in at 395.6 today.
Last week a co-worker stopped by my office to tell me she was at exactly a 100 pound loss from her WLS  in November. I am so happy for her!.  She threw me into a tailspin though.  She was openly talking about how she used to eat 8 Reese's eggs but now only eats 1 and she's satisfied, then she told me how she would eat a whole box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting but now only eats one row of the cookies (about 6 i think). Other people could hear us talking. She was embarrassing me. The whole time I was thinking please shut up.  Please don't talk like I know or can relate to eating 8 Reese's eggs. I don't want these people to know I do these things too. SHUT UP NOW.  I could literally feel my body sinking trying to crawl under my desk and at the same time I saw how mentally healthy she is in her journey.  Not only has she cut back on her binge foods - she can admit them openly.  Fearlessly.  I can't even write them on my blog....
Sure, I can say I had way too much chocolate this weekend and you wouldn't know if that meant 3 Hershey kisses or 100.  I still can't do it. I can't type it out.
Just reliving that moment with her brought up so much guilt, shame and ridicule in me.  Writing this out has taken a long time today because as I write, I reflect on why I have those feelings... I was raised in a house of secrets of having an alcoholic father who was abusive. It was only recently I discovered my own aunt didn't know my father was abusive until I told her in passing about a fight I remembered. I remember how bad I felt for my mother.  Realizing she has hid these secrets for so many years and had no one to share with or reach out for help because of shame or fear that she shows any weakness makes me hurt for her.  My heart aches that she endured that alone. That's what I'm afraid of.  Showing others my weakness. That's why I'm here. To remember I'm not alone.

1 comment:

  1. The fact that you have had the courage to write about your life on this blog shows your are not weak. I guarantee you that lady that spoke to you at the post office struggles just as much as we do. She just doesn't have the guts to admit it. Probably what she should of said was, "It's so freakin hard to eat just six cookies when I know I want the whole box." Just because we lose weight doesn't mean we lose the cravings. What we gain is willpower to say no. I am so glad you took the time to analyze why you have trouble dishing about what you eat. No one said you have to tell us about food mishaps and you don't until you feel comfortable doing it. Let us know about your successes, of which there are many, and let the "failures" go. This is your battle, you fight it how you see fit. I believe in you!