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April 14, 2011

The Time is Getting Closer

It's really happening and I can feel myself sinking into wanting to hide from it.  Words my new Dr said to me rewind and repeat in my head constantly.  ... we have to get to why you eat based on your emotions...we have to make sure your heads in the right place...  in which I quickly responded. "No, wait. I know you haven't known me that long but my heads changing!" "The last doctor, the one who upset me, .. the old me would have left and not had the labs done, I would have went home and thrown the idea of having surgery out the window and would have convinced herself she could do this on her own, TOMORROW, and then ate whatever and how much ever she wanted the rest of the night.  Instead, she went home after having her labs and called and made an appointment with you"  He isn't stopping me." She smiled. "And... I've written everything down and even when I had a bad day... I was accountable.  I had a lot more good days than bad and I can't remember the last time I have kept a food journal this long. I might have been 14 or 15. "  I even admitted to her my whole food issue with Peanut Butter eggs and acknowledged "secrets"

I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey.  I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist.  The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief. 

And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier.  It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room.  I love attention. I love to be the star in the room.  Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion.  I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt  Not unless I let them in.   I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely. 
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through.  I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me.  Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day.  and the thought is overwhelming...

And Lord if each mountain is only a test

Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest

And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky

And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes

And if there's still another mountain...
-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.

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  1. It takes a lot to make the decision to have WLS and it's certainly not the easiest path. But it sounds like you are definitely mentally preparing for it. Wish you the best with it.

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