I've spent this week making my appointments necessary to keep moving forward in my WLS journey. I have an appointment with a dietitian, my therapist and now my podiatrist. The new Dr. (Let's call her Dr K) wants to help me with my feet. I literally feel like broomsticks are shoved up my heels through my legs and its so painful to walk ... I can't wait to have some relief.
And as the checklist becomes smaller, my mind becomes busier. It's not about the risk, the chance I might die, it's the mind being fully ready... it's the I can't seem to get 2 good days in without going over on my calories. If I can't do it now - What happens then? Being thin is the one thing I've always said I wanted but I am by far my own biggest battle. My fat has protected me from a lot of things for so many years, I don't even know what I'm hiding from anymore. Do I not want to be noticed? Seriously, who am i kidding. People notice a 400 pound woman when she walks in a room. I love attention. I love to be the star in the room. Am I masking the pain from my childhood? Feeding the broken heart because food loved me back? food filled me and drowned out my emotions. food comforted me. Even the thought process mirrors the reason I'm backtracking... wanting to hide...stay buried in the past and not have to face the now. The old me knew what the past was -the old me knew how much the past could hurt, love, or make me feel any emotion. I controlled the past, the feel... no one could hurt Not unless I let them in. I have no idea how the present feels because I've not allowed myself to live in it. Not completely.
I used to think that surgery was the last straw... the end to the game of diets. the fix all, the miracle pill, the cop out... that "i wont do it because I'm strong enough to do this myself. or If i have to change the way i eat after surgery why not just do it now and be done with it." but now I don't look it at all like that and I don't think I ever did. Having the surgery will open a new door for me that I've never walked through. I won't be able to stuff my emotions or myself with food because the result of the surgery simply wont let me. Food is my coping mechanism for so many things and surgery will take away its purpose. Surgery makes me have to stand on my own two feet and face reality every minute of every day. and the thought is overwhelming...
And Lord if each mountain is only a test
Do you mind if I stop for a moment and rest
And Lord let me look at the blue in the sky
And if I'm your child wipe these tears from my eyes
And if there's still another mountain...
-If There's Still Another Mountain Marty Robbins.
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