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May 11, 2010

Are you sure it's not a Facade?

That was the question my therapist asked me back in the early 90's when I told her I didn't need her help anymore. Everything about therapy had become a facade.  I got two things from therapy.  I was in my late 20's early 30's and had never dealt with my fathers death when I was 12.  I had dealt with it. Big Deal. He was an alcoholic. An abusive man. And he was gone. He didn't do anymore for me alive than he did dead.

The second thing was is that I didn't like silence. If it was quiet, Mary had something to say. I can't say I've stepped away from it but I can acknowledge it. 

What she didn't know is that the rest of my stories I shared with her were nothing but lies. Within the first 15 minutes of my first session I sensed her judging me. Was she really or was I just listening to the voices in my head? Probably both. Judging is human nature. I can't honestly say I know - but I do know I didn't want her to know my dirty little secrets. ... I guess I'll keep you in suspense because I've shared more with you reading this than I ever did with her at about $90 a session.

I wanted her to diagnose me. I wanted her to give me the answer that caused my food issues. Why do I refuse to eat tomatoes that are too cold? Why do I not lose weight? The only answers she ever had was throw out your scales, take all the mirrors out of your house and buy more than you can eat in one sitting. Wow. She just challenged me to eat 2 boxes of Twinkies in one sitting rather than one. This is a goal I can lose at every time! Thanks, that was great advice. Here's my credit card. Ching Ching. Go buy yourself a new Coach. It's cute. Can you please consider removing your shitty wicker furniture, my ass doesn't fit so well...
Care to share the third box of Twinkies with me?

I'm going to cast blame here for a moment.... don't remove your mirrors.

I think I stopped looking at them for the last 10-15 years. I failed to recognize my beauty and worth because I couldn't look myself in the eyes and tell me I'm worth it. You are worth it too. Go tell yourself that. It's not a facade.


  1. Nice post, gurl. Thanks for the reminder to all of us.

  2. Great post my friend. This is my third time over here in the last 24 hours...You're doing so good by writing this stuff out. My blog has been tremendous therapy for me...and it hasn't cost anything but time...well worth it. Keep writing, and the understanding and clarity will come---these epiphanies are the lasting kind.

    My best always

  3. I came over from Losing Harry's and I'm glad I did. I truly appreciate your honesty here and I'll be back.

  4. Clyde, you always say such nice things.
    Sean, Glad to know you're stopping by - I'm still reading away from Day one... I'm learning a lot
    Sharon - Welcome. I'm glad you liked the post and its honesty. Its such freedom to tell the story or share the memory. Take care!