Coke and I Have Officially Broken Up

I had two very exciting things happen to me yesterday that I wanted to share. But before I do... you're not getting weigh in results until I do!.  I'm not happy with the accuracy of that scale I have at all and now the batteries have went dead so I'm wondering if it was a battery issue all along.. Who knows.  My promise to have a good, clean weekend, didn't happen. I had good days but not the type of weekend, I want to come back here and yell, see! I can do this on the weekend too. I am learning from them and I'm conscious about them so I know where changes need to be made. I will be fixing this issue. It might be by taking the weekend one hour at a time. But this will be conquered. Notice, I didn't blame the hubby once!.  Improvements, some are small but I'll take 'em.

I am really into no fat yogurt, frozen blueberries topped with low fat granola for breakfast. Would you believe I had never had a yogurt parfait from McDonald's in my life until 3 or 4 weeks ago? And I here I thought I had covered all my bases. I loved it. Now I'm all into checking out my own fruit combinations and making my own granolas... weird.

So Where or Where do I start? You know how you have a craving for something and you just have to have it? The thought consumes you. Well, yesterday I was drying of thirst. I had run out of my ice water, had 30 minutes before I had to leave work to go teach and I just wanted to quench my thirst. I looked in the fridge under my desk I share with my team and there is a bottle of Coke unopened. Frigging smiling at me. I swear. It was. Coke and I go way back... It was the soda that my uncle always had and we, meaning kids, could not. So every chance we got to drink Coke, you bet we did. Anyhow... It wasn't my Coke. It was my neighbors and I yelled over to her and said can I buy this coke from you? And she replies with, Sure, you can just have it. So I reach into my purse to give her a buck twenty five and she says, "I thought you don't drink that crap anymore". Boom. Without hesitation, without a thought of regret, wihout any remorse, I responded back with, "You're right, I don't." and I put my purse away. And I was fine. Thirsty, but fine. When I left work to go teach, I stopped and bought a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi that was so ice cold from the cooler, you could see the frost. And it was divine.  The cooler thing, when I changed my mind about having that Coke, it was too natural. Too natural in a good way. It's hard to explain but it was done without feeling sorry for myself or regretting not having that Coke. It was a proud moment of you're right, I don't drink that crap anymore.

Next!

I went to class and I have a student that has been researching workouts for me to do (he is a trainer at a fitness club) and suggested I start with Isometrics.  Another student just happened to overhear us, said that she works with bariatric patients in a rehabiliation center and would bring me FREE resistance bands.
On my drive home tonight I thought how lucky I was to have these people placed in my life at the exact time I needed them, when my eyes were open to changing my habits and changing my lifestyle. 

Are you paying attention to what or who is around you? You might be surprised who or what is waiting for you to notice. Take care of you.

Eat This Not That and The Cost of Bagels

So.... I moved my scales in the house because they weren't on a flat enough surface and hubby and I were getting really weird readings. We changed the batteries, changed scales and now I feel like I'm starting over. I weighed in at 412.00 Hubby even showed a big difference in his weight. So I can sit and piss and moan about it -ignore that my clothes are looser, I'm getting around easier, etc etc. I"m not going to. It is what it is. I have no starting weight other than what I had at the doctors in August of 2009 and that's what I'm going by. I am up a pound. I will show a loss next Tuesday and I'll put my little chart thingy back up but I don't think it's right to mislead readers and  I don't believe the numbers either. I'll probably adjust my weight in page too.  It's entirely possible that I've dropped weight that fast as I always show a whoosh at the beginning when I change my eating habits but it is what it is. I'm not going to dwell on it and I'm not gonna say anymore about it. It is what it is.

I walked into my department today to find Panera bagels ... lots of Asiago and Everything bagels greeting me as I walked in. In my bag, I have cut up pineapple, baby watermelon, cantaloupe and strawberries. I could have the bagel and cream cheese but I want the fruit more. I wanted my yogurt more. So I choose to skip the bagel today, it wasn't in my plan and its kind of a personal thing with me ... prove you can skip the bagel because you chose to; not because you can't have it.  Because I can have it, I just have to withdraw the calories and frankly, the cost of bagels have me in an uproar over the cost of fruit these days.  Are you making good choices today? Take care of you.

Weight Loss Surgery To Be or Not To Be

I have been contemplating weight loss surgery (wls) for some time now. It's a very personal decision that can not be made over night. It's a decision that I struggle with and have struggled with over 3 years now. I finally made an appointment with my surgeon in August of 2009 after witnessing my 2 cousins and cousin in law have the gastric bypass. Truth be told I made an appointment because of family pressure. I am more against my having weight loss surgery than for it. I have my reasons.

In my early twenties, I was seeing a counselor to deal with my food issues. I was really looking for the answer as to "Why am I fat?". I talked about my alcoholic father, my diet obsessed food ruling mother, the silly rules I put on food. (Thats' a whole 'nother post) and on and on and on.... Finally, I was given a book to read about weight and the issues women have with it and the only thing that sticks out in my mind after reading it was this.  When one has tried every diet known to mankind and fails, you are offered surgery!  I read that as the final "I give up" moment. I guess today I'm still looking at it as a give up moment. I know I'm supposed to look at wls as a tool for losing weight. A means to make the journey easier. But seriously, who wants to live on liquid for six weeks and then move on to foods like 3 grapes for breakfast.  What will I learn if I make the journey easier? If I don't fix my thoughts and my reactions to life, then what good is the tool going to do me? Eventually I'll learn how to expand my stomach from the size of a walnut back to a tennis ball to a fist... and on an on and on...
Did you know that wls statistics are that after 5 years there is a 50% failure rate? Seriously. Are those good odds? I'd rather go to the horse races.
I have some strong personal reasons for not wanting to have wls.
1. My aunt had severe complications after having hers. She isn't on the 50% of the success rate.  I've had cervical cancer once. I am a survivor. She has battled cancer ever since her surgery - from the moment they opened her up saw nothing and then removed a 12 pound cyst and one of her kidneys 6 months later. You can't convince me one didn't have to do with the other.
2. For every success story I hear about people dying, complications. Horrible horrible stories.
3. I am a fighter. I don't want to give in to the beast. I can beat this on my own while I transform my thoughts and beliefs into being a healthy person. (I'm not suggesting anyone who has had wls is wrong. I firmly believe its a personal decision and want anyone to be successful at becoming healthier)
4. God gave me this body, mind and soul.  I don't think I should go tampering with how he designed me.

And of course, I have reasons why I should.
1. If I don't get my shit together soon, I'm not going to be here for my husband and step-children.
2. Baby K will never remember me fat.
3. CD keeps asking when I'm going to be skinny.
4. I hate being fat.

So here I am today... blogging about it still flip flopping and I have a goal to meet to see my doctor for my 6 months starting in May and I'm avoiding it. I'm doing absolutely nothing to make that appointment. Why? I don't know - I've gotten a lot of support 'round here as of late and it feels good being the one in control. It feels good watching the scale go down. I don't know where I'll be but I know I need to do the requirements so that in the event I end up like Mario with one life left, I better be prepared. I see people that have beat this game and done it by making good choices, small changes and are committed to their life style change without the risk of surgery and they had more weight to lose than me. I look to these people every day for support and they'll probably never know how much I get from them sharing their story.  I am moving in the same direction of their success. The only difference is, my journey has just begun. Take care of you.

Detour Ends

I encountered a bit of a detour on Friday betwwn 5p.m.and 5:30 p.m. Hubby picked me up from work but not before I'd sealed my fate that we would be getting take-out and having our traditional Friday Night Date night at home. I had looked at the nutritional values, sealed my decision and met him about 5:08 in the parking lot. We went and picked up dinner, picked up beverages. and got into our comfy clothes and dove into dinner. WTF. I didn't order one thing I intended to eat for dinner. I had completely went on detour and in the back of my mind was blaming my hubby for my decisions. I saw it like a premonition, I acted on it, and I am at fault. I continued to do the same thing all weekend. I had excuse after excuse for eating junk. It was ridiculous really but a few good lessons learned.
Lesson #1:
After weeks of feeling good, I felt like crap all weekend.- I was sluggish, my tummy hurt all day yesterday and I only wanted to sleep. Little things irritated me and I had absolutely no patience for anything all weekend.
Lesson #2:
Not one damned thing tasted better than the fresh fruits and veggies I've been eating. I spent the entire weekend chasing bad choice after bad choice only to never feel satisfied.
Lesson #3:
No matter how much prodding anyone including hubby does, I ultimately responsible for the food I put into my mouth. (I blamed him again. Did you just see that? Uggh.) He never prodded me once to make bad decisions and choices. I made them all on my own. In fact, he stuck to his calorie budget more times than I did this weekend.
Lesson #4: This isn't a one way street without bumps or turns or road blocks. However, I am in control of how I maneuver me.

I have Thursday through Sunday off to spend with my family this weekend. I promise myself I will stay within my calorie range. I can do this no matter what gets thrown at me. Take care of you.

The Stomach: Not a Garbage Can

Instant message to hubby
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.

I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full.  Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand.  Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope.  I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.

Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy.  Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).

I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!

The Stairs That Beat Me Down

It was this post that made me remember the day and tears filled my eyes.   The day I couldn't climb the stairs at work without resting midflight. Twice. Broken Elevator. Broken Spirit. I was ashamed at what I'd become. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wrote about it on my new Spark account that day.  I never returned to Spark. That was in 2008.
Today, I have to walk across to another building to get something required for work. I thought of my failed stair day. The mere thought puts me into a mild anxiety attack just like the fear of a fire drill. Our department reports to the other side of the buildings parking lot for a fire drill. Our complex easily sits on 10 acres. Other employees are complaining that they have to walk so far but they can physically walk it.  I have to rest between walking to our time clock from the parking lot and still show up at my desk short of breath. My health status can no longer be hidden. This is life at 400 pounds people.

I lost my focus on both Saturday and Sunday. I allowed things that I knew were wrong. I allowed excuses that were merely that. An excuse is nothing more than giving yourself a "free pass" to do it. I had closed the excuse box by about 3pm on Sunday and returned to focusing on me and what needed to be done. I woke up this morning with a revived feeling. Glad I was going back to work where it's easier to stay focused. I keep telling myself that 2 bad meals out of a week is a hell of a lot better than meal after meal being bad. I also keep telling myself that that behavior is what got me to over 400 pounds. Little changes, Little changes... and then Tony's Post smacked me right in the face. My life was Tony's life 2 years ago.  2 years ago. In 2 years I could run across to the other building if I just stay on track. In 2 years, I could return to this post and say, "Yes that was me then, but look at me now."  2 years ago I couldn't climb the same stairs I can't do today. I've wasted a lot of time and for what? A cheeseburger? A fry? Really. It's rather pathetic.

Both meals I feel i made poor choices on didn't even satisfy me.  What's worse, is I spent the last 2 days beating myself up-going back and forth rationalizing the next excuse only to find out that when I actually sat down and did calorie calculations I had only exceeded the amount by 1618 calories in total both days. BOTH DAYS. I avoided posting and turned on the negative self-talk over 1618 calories? There are 1200 calories in a large caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen. There are 1240 calories in a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. So the breakdown is this. Could I have made better choices? Yes. I didn't have enough fruits and vegetable either day.  If I had, I would not have exceeded my amounts because I'd have been full and not filled with empty calories. Did I eat a blizzard and all that McDonalds crap? Obviously not. However, those examples show you how easy it is to break your calorie budget just going through the drive-thru.  Time and time again, that little upset to the apple cart would have caused me to give up entirely and say "I can't do this, it's too hard" "I've blown it, might as well binge." or any other excuse I could take on to just give up.  I didn't this time. I let the storm pass. I kept returning to where I want to go in this journey and when I sat down to face the damage and hold myself accountable, I'd actually made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am thrilled it only totalled 1618 calories. I expected at least 5,000 because in my mind, that's how much I'd blown things out of proportion.   Lesson learned: write everything down to keep it in persepctive.
Today has been a great day. I'm right on track with everything. I'm thankful for everyone I read as we've all experienced a little bit of what the other has. Take care of you.

Crab Cakes Sponge Bob Would Love

Yes, this is coming from the same 411 Gurl that doesn't like fish! We had these last night with zucchini and yellow squash and they were by far the best crab cakes I have ever had. I've calculated the calories, fat grams and even Weight Watcher Points for these delicious little crabby patties. (this is not the actual picture but they look identical) Try them and let me know what you think!

Reflections of Yesterday

Yesterday was fabulous.  There are only 2 things I'd change differently.  I would have drank more water and my calorie level was no where it should have been.  I was about 800 under.  I feel great though.  Hubby made a goulash with whole wheat penne pasta that was out of this world. I'd never had whole wheat pasta before and I only noticed the difference as in texture.  I think that could have been from the ridges in the pasta itself though.  The meal looked so hardy and like something off of food network.  I was satisfied and even more relieved it was satisfying for hubby. I;'m also excited that I got my 5 fruits and veggies in for the day and my fiber count was 28.  I'm going for 35 but am pleased with anything over 20.

We had some family drama yesterday that really could have thrown us off this new way of life and instead hubby and I worked out a way to stay on program in the event we had to take a road trip in an emergency.  I'm home today because we're not sure how today will unfold with all of that but things will be fine. 

That's all I have for right now. Take care of you.

Checking in...

It has been a busy couple of weeks for me. I've been reading but I sure haven't been posting. I've been making small changes in my diet. I've cut out all sugar sodas and have limited my diet soda to about 1 a day no more than 2. I've cut out all white flours except for one lunch last week. and I worked on cutting all sugar out. Today I'm sugar free.  Hubby jumped on board with me this weekend and we're having a lot of fun.  I think we are anyways!  Both of us have never been fish eaters except for what we would catch out of the lake and could buy at Long John Silvers. Oh and that one time I had Scrod in Parchment Paper and it looked liked something I'd have pulled from my neighbors garbage.   Not that  I'm a dumpster diver... Oh and that time I had salmon... I don't like fish particularly.  Anyhow, we've agreed to incorporate more fish in our diet so we're having Tilapia this week. We'll start out with it once a week and gradually move that in place of all the other junk we've been eating.
While I feel like I am a master at knowing the calorie content or something or can calculate the points of a food item,using the WW formula, in my head,  I was finding myself frustrated with my hubby for not reading labels correctly.  (my husband never struggled with his weight like I did)  I would ask him if something had sugar in it and he'd shout back "Yes, 10 Grams" and I'd shout back "NO, read the ingredients."  Then I would explain to him the can of fruit he was looking at had "natural" sugars in it from the fruit. - Shout out to Dr. Atkins.  He got frustrated when he bought low fat mayo instead of no fat mayo. And I said to him, "Honey, its about the choices we make. This jar is low-fat and by far better than the last 45 jars of regular mayo we've brought into the house over the years. It's a change. We'll make small changes and we'll get lasting results."  And it was in that moment that I realized I had flipped my switch. The old me would have sent him back to the store to get the fat free. The old me was ALL or NOTHING.  Nothing got me to over 400 pounds. I always believed that perfection meant being succesful at winning this battle. You don't need perfection, because you'll always fail. Small changes + Better Choices = Results. 

On another note, I'm missing out on my husbands Memorial day weekend get away that we've avoided for the last 2 years because of other obligations my weight.  I can't physically do the weekend - walking to the bathrooms, sitting in lawn chairs, the heat... and the list goes on. Hubby is going this year and it pisses me off I'm not going. I'm pissed off enough to know I'm going to be there next year, walking to the bathrooms, sitting in lawn chairs, playing frisbee, disc golf, and maybe even swimming when it's hot. Anyone  want to make a bet?