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April 12, 2010

The Stairs That Beat Me Down

It was this post that made me remember the day and tears filled my eyes.   The day I couldn't climb the stairs at work without resting midflight. Twice. Broken Elevator. Broken Spirit. I was ashamed at what I'd become. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wrote about it on my new Spark account that day.  I never returned to Spark. That was in 2008.
Today, I have to walk across to another building to get something required for work. I thought of my failed stair day. The mere thought puts me into a mild anxiety attack just like the fear of a fire drill. Our department reports to the other side of the buildings parking lot for a fire drill. Our complex easily sits on 10 acres. Other employees are complaining that they have to walk so far but they can physically walk it.  I have to rest between walking to our time clock from the parking lot and still show up at my desk short of breath. My health status can no longer be hidden. This is life at 400 pounds people.

I lost my focus on both Saturday and Sunday. I allowed things that I knew were wrong. I allowed excuses that were merely that. An excuse is nothing more than giving yourself a "free pass" to do it. I had closed the excuse box by about 3pm on Sunday and returned to focusing on me and what needed to be done. I woke up this morning with a revived feeling. Glad I was going back to work where it's easier to stay focused. I keep telling myself that 2 bad meals out of a week is a hell of a lot better than meal after meal being bad. I also keep telling myself that that behavior is what got me to over 400 pounds. Little changes, Little changes... and then Tony's Post smacked me right in the face. My life was Tony's life 2 years ago.  2 years ago. In 2 years I could run across to the other building if I just stay on track. In 2 years, I could return to this post and say, "Yes that was me then, but look at me now."  2 years ago I couldn't climb the same stairs I can't do today. I've wasted a lot of time and for what? A cheeseburger? A fry? Really. It's rather pathetic.

Both meals I feel i made poor choices on didn't even satisfy me.  What's worse, is I spent the last 2 days beating myself up-going back and forth rationalizing the next excuse only to find out that when I actually sat down and did calorie calculations I had only exceeded the amount by 1618 calories in total both days. BOTH DAYS. I avoided posting and turned on the negative self-talk over 1618 calories? There are 1200 calories in a large caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen. There are 1240 calories in a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. So the breakdown is this. Could I have made better choices? Yes. I didn't have enough fruits and vegetable either day.  If I had, I would not have exceeded my amounts because I'd have been full and not filled with empty calories. Did I eat a blizzard and all that McDonalds crap? Obviously not. However, those examples show you how easy it is to break your calorie budget just going through the drive-thru.  Time and time again, that little upset to the apple cart would have caused me to give up entirely and say "I can't do this, it's too hard" "I've blown it, might as well binge." or any other excuse I could take on to just give up.  I didn't this time. I let the storm pass. I kept returning to where I want to go in this journey and when I sat down to face the damage and hold myself accountable, I'd actually made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am thrilled it only totalled 1618 calories. I expected at least 5,000 because in my mind, that's how much I'd blown things out of proportion.   Lesson learned: write everything down to keep it in persepctive.
Today has been a great day. I'm right on track with everything. I'm thankful for everyone I read as we've all experienced a little bit of what the other has. Take care of you.


  1. Hi,

    I also read Tony's blog, that's how I found you. Yes, in 2 years you can dart across the parking lot. But don't forget that in 2 weeks you'll feel better, in 2 months you'll probably have dropped a pant size. There are accomplishments along the way. That's what I tell my struggling don't have to do all the work for 2 years and remain where you are until 2 years is done and someone flicks the switch. You get to experience the benefits of your hard work as you're doing it.

    It's so worth it!

  2. Very powerful stuff I can totally relate to...

    you're doing awesome.

  3. I can so relate. My problem is that I don't feel motivated. I want to lose weight. I should lose weight. But after all of my failed dieting attempts I feel tired of even trying anymore. But I'm also tired of not being able to climb the stairs or climb into bed without being out of breath. You can do it...and so can I!