Slap me With a Wet Noodle

I'd love to say that I've been super on track and everything is A-OK but sadly, stress stresses me out.  I honestly haven't weighed in weeks. I've been so focused on getting this promotion and new responsibility that I've let being responsible for me fly right out the window. Between Humar Resource Hoops and women you work with for years that just plain can't get past the thought of being happy for anyone but themselves (a facade, of course), so they work extra hard to make sure to do things to try and make you miserable. And mother's coming to town ... and .... and... and...

Life happens with or without you. UGGH. Who made that rule? I really need to pay attention to me a little bit more in this life... staying focused and being responsible for me is a lot easier when I stay attached to this here journal.

Great things are happening here...I started my new job last Monday... spent the weekend with my family and created some wonderful memories.

I will report a weigh in this week.  If you're still here, do me a favor and please let me know.

Take care of you. (Yes, gurl, YOU.)

I'm still here...

I'm sorry for my absence as of late, I've been working on securing this new position at work. I have a final interview tomorrow and should know the answer within a few weeks. (hopefully by mid week next week) I survived Memorial Weekend alone (only for part of it) Hubby came home Sunday morning :) I'm glad he had a good time! I'm glad he's home too. I haven't been putting myself first in the food /weight category. I've been sloppy. I'm OK though. I'm not being destructive but I'm not being strict either. Saturday I went out and got all of my hair cut off, I'm sporting a short cut and people are remarking they didn't know it was me. *batting eyelashes* - I bought three new dress shirts for work and 2 new pair of shoes. One pair of Sandals that are the cutest sandals I've ever owned! And a new purse. I love purses. I spent Saturday night dying my new doo and painting my piggies while I had an evening of poker online and girly flicks all to myself!!! Don't tell my husband, but I hung out with this guy all night long.

Job Proposal Update

I met with my boss and her boss around 9:30 this morning. I showed them my proposal and left feeling confident.  I felt heard.
At 1:30 another meeting was underway between my boss, her boss and the existing position who is leaving.
My boss and her boss are meeting with human resources tomorrow at 9am moving forward with my proposed change. They are the last group to convince this is a good business decision/change.  I"m so excited I can't even put it into words.

Wow, Go to Sleep Night Owl...

It's after 2:30 in the morning here and I have to be to work at 8am. I went to bed at 11 and couldn't sleep because I have an opportunity at work that could change my life. 2010 has been so good to me career wise that I can't believe another opportunity has fallen in my lap.  I owe it to my manger .. my new manager 2009... She believed in me and helped raise my self esteem to levels no other manager wanted to.  Sure, everyone saw the opportunity in me but no one used me to help promote themselves or myself for that matter. She gave me the confidence to promote myself and I'll forever be grateful. I am approaching her boss tomorrow with a proposal that moves me into a different managerial role that still reports to my present boss yet gives me more opportunity as well as present growth. It's a win-win situation for both of us. I just finished the PowerPoint I'll present and I'm pretty proud of it. I think the solution I have proposed to the current problem will put a lot of minds at ease... I'm sharing this with you because my family sleeps and I just wanted to "talk"... I realized in doing this presentation I have to "sell" me and my idea and I was really proud of the "value" I gave myself to the proposal.  It's a turning point for me regardless of the outcome. Pray for me and send me good vibes friends... I really want this to happen.

Don't Judge a Post By The Title...

The scales and I have not spoke since Friday. I wanted to visit with her this morning but I was running late. It's rather ironic that I would turn to her to assess my damage. I don't trust the bitch when I do good. Why would I trust her when I waiver a bit? I need to own my journey. I need to speak up and quit allowing others to help guide my journey. There is not one food that passes a person's lips that taste as good as success does.  At times, I feel like I'm stuck with no voice. No ability to say "No" I won't eat that. Sometimes I feel like I have the winning numbers to a Million Dollar jackpot, when it comes to losing this weight, but feel I don't deserve to win so I sabotage it. I burn the ticket.

Friends, those statements are about value. They're about how much you value yourself to keep going forward in your journey.  Time and time again you read that it doesn't stop when you hit the magic number on the scale. It doesn't stop when you naturally drink tons and tons of water a day. It doesn't stop when you work out 3-5 times a week.  It's all of these things combined and more that create your healthy lifestyle. You can't expect to hit home runs if your feet never touch second and/or third base. You don't have to do it all at once but start out slow. Right now, I'm focusing on taking all of the value I put in food and putting more value in me. I need a clear head to move forward. I must be getting better because my mind says pretty nice things to me lately.  It's also reminding me that I need to put exercise into this journey... rather taunting me right now, however my mind has started to revel on how fast my body will adapt to exercise and become stronger as each day goes by. It's all of those little things I can't do now that exercise will cause me to start doing again. Watching it happen will be the measuring tool. I have just little over a year to reach the goal of going to Memorial Day 2011. That's a mere 365 days. I will not be sitting here posting a year from now at 400 pounds. It's not going to happen. I refuse to let it happen because I do own my journey. Are you owning yours?

Friday Weigh In

Debbie Downer (my scales) is slowly inching her way back into my circle of friends. Again, she will not be attending today's party and if she's lucky I won't kick her off my facebook. There isn't a confession to make so it is what it is. -Happy Friday to all of you. Take care of you.

I'ts My Party and You Can Lie if You Want To

Hi there! Long time no chat. I realized the other night I broke a habit! I didn't log on here Monday and tell you what a crappy job I had done this weekend. You know why? Because I did not have a crappy weekend. I had a marvelous weekend where everything on this journey was kept in check. I had the i's dotted and my t's crossed. So where have I been?

It's been a busy week. I've been working late and spending the evening with hubby and working on writing my vision statement. Right now, I'm just making the list of reasons that are important to me. In making this list, I noticed that a lot of sentences ended with or contained the word again. AGAIN.
As I wrote out memories of things I can no longer do and wish to do, I stopped and reflected how many times, I would continue to choose food and abandon the things I love to do only to eventually be physically unable to do them. I reflected on how many diets I've policed myself on where I would tell myself or obsess my thoughts with "I can never have a french fry (insert food name here) again." AGAIN.

This time around things are truly different for me. I have not policed myself over specific foods and only monitored my calorie budget for the day. I don't obsess over my water intake and have noticed it becoming just a habit to keep chugging away. I've even had 2 dreams in the last week about little punch glasses filled with ice chips and water and how they were inviting me to drink them. (I know weird... but nonetheless.)
I walked in from that last poker tournament and realized that this is the 2nd tournament (they're held once a month) I've been to on this journey and while I've had detours, more in the beginning than the present, not once did I have an "I'll start again Monday" moment or "Might as well eat the rest of the day".  That's not to say I won't have more detours, they very well could happen but my mind is a different place now and I just have a destination to get to. I can't even feel the detour close to me because I've taken away so much of the value I gave food in the past that it just seems kind of foreign to me. Often times, my diets wouldn't last past lunch time on Monday morning that first day or never start because (insert excuse here).  It's exciting to see my consistency and determination and even more exciting to realize my motivation and determination are stronger today than day one of this journey. 

I weighed myself today because I just couldn't wait until tomorrow morning and I was not happy at all. It showed a 4.4 gain. For a split second the thoughts started creeping in and I shoved them out of my head like the pipe that sucked Augustus Gloop out of The Chocolate River (Say Hi to the Oompa Loompa's for me). "This scale is only a tool" I kept telling myself. "Give yourself one good reason why the scale says that" ... Did you go over? Have you been getting enough fluids in...at that moment I couldn't come up with one good reason. So I bailed. I abandoned that scale and told it "Too bad for You. I have other Celebrations - maybe next time you won't be a Debbie Downer and come to my party; but it's my party and you can lie if you want to!"

My other non-scale victories are:

I wrote in my food journal every day.
I made several smarter choices when put on the spot and don't regret one thing I've put in my mouth for several several days.
I am preferring water over other beverages.
I"m continuing the Mind Body exercises and growing daily from them.
I put a bra on the other day that I used to avoid wearing because it's too tight. Now my girls are happy too :) (Did I just say that?)
I'm smiling more.
Food is Powerless over me.

What are your non-scale victories this week? Take care of you.

There was a Guy they called Hippo..

Wow, I was so excited about Saturday... I was going to win 1st place and even better come back here and say I had. It didn't happen.

A few years back when I'd never really played Texas hold 'em, my now husband invited me to a "home" tournament. We went and at one point he went "all in". I laughed to myself and thought I"ll show you, I'll go in over you.. and everyone else folded.  I went out and he won but everyone thought I had made that move to insure the pot went to him.  The truth is, I wasn't that smart, Then.  I was stereo-typed as a cheater and so was he.  My hubby runs the tourney I wanted to play in last night.  Due to the "NO SMOKING:" law effective May1, the turn-out was minimal. people were moved and i was directed to move to an open seat... The man at that same "home tourney:", also called "Hippo",  accused my husband of moving me there to take out 2 of the same people that had named me the cheater. I lost my temper, quit the tourney and demanded a refund. This was the 2nd time they'd embarrassed me in public, in front of strangers. I knew being on tilt wouldn't put me in the money, i'd only piss my chips away. I was more disappointed I had to report I lost to my readers. So that's what happened. I recognize now that I over-reacted. The ideal would have been to sit down and whip their asses. Hind sight is 20-20.  There will be a next time. Turns out I still won, the buffet didn't rule me and I was in control with my food choices.. I ended up $30 dollars ahead in tips dealing a cash table. The old me would have wallered in chips n cheese and chocolate cake... the old me would have had a melt down and gave up all of her goals. Yes, I lost my temper. No, I didn't lose my goal. There will be a next time. Watch this butterfly crush the hippo.

Luck Be A Lady Tonight

First and foremost, Thank you all for all your words of inspiration and encouragement from the onset of this blog. I smile with every comment or email.  In just a short time I have made some very special friends that I hold dear to my heart and that is truly awesome. My husband is my number one fan hands down, and I know this week was especially hard for him because I've been doing some real soul searching that has been painful at times for me and painful at times for him to watch me go through. I am stronger because of it and he was right there to hold my hand through it.
I've had a remarkable week that goes beyond staying with in my calorie budget, drinking water, and losing weight.  The soul searching happened without me stuffing my emotions with food. I actually went to a Chinese buffet on Thursday night and stayed within budget and didn't leave feeling stuffed, the poor diet girl who couldn't eat more or anything like that. I stayed in complete control because I'm worth this. I enjoyed my husbands company and didn't worry about the lines of food that our table was close to. I ate what I like, what tasted good and stayed within budget. ... And then Friday came!!! Friday was awesome! Hubby and I planned our evening with take-out and movies. We had a great date night and I stayed within my budget all evening. There were no... celebratory Friday  feasts with food. Today is Saturday, we volunteer once a month and in that there is always a potluck that is involved... no problems here. It isn't about the food it's about people and having a good time. I have no fears about the day that lies ahead of me. There's no mental preparing going on. There's no justifying how to save calories...Food has no priority other than fuel for my body. That is such a good feeling. The even better feeling is I love myself and know it with conviction.

Today, I also play in a Texas Hold Em Tournament and boy are my opponents in trouble! I'm a pretty good player (If I do say so myself) and place top 10  pretty frequently. I've won this same tournament about 7 months ago and I'm placing today. Placed in the Top 5 too many times to count.  I'm going to place high today without even seeing my cards because I'm not going to be side-tracked with food or anything other than I'm here to be a winner.  As long as Lady Luck is on my side, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't walk out of there with First Place.

This brings me back to my collage... After I completed it, I realized there are a lot of things on my collage I don't have to wait to do depending on my weight. I can do most of  them now the only difference is, I can do them more easily as my weight declines. My dreams don't have to wait for the magic number on a scale. I can realize them any time and so can you. Tricia made her first collage too check it out. I've also created a "What's Your Vision" page where you can send me your vision and I'll post it with your site. Take care of you.

Friday Weigh In

5.4 Pounds down this week! And I'm sure the scales are Right!!!

I've got a lot going on today so I'll be around later.

Better Said in Pictures

I found a really cool project on Spark People to make your vision a collage of what you aspire ot be or see yourself in 1, 5, and 10 years - the things you can do easier by being healther and thought it would be a really cool visual for keeping me focused. I made mine and gave it it's own page under "My Vision" - I know pretty creative huh? Anyhow, I really liked doing it and I think you might too. The article is under the Feed Your Head page called Vision Collage or here.  I'd love for you to share yours with me too. So, please feel free to email it to me or drop me a comment with a link to your blog. Take care of You.

Ok, I'll save you the click :) (how many calories are burned in a click?)

Click the picture to enlarge... (more calories burned! Woo Hoo)

Are you sure it's not a Facade?

That was the question my therapist asked me back in the early 90's when I told her I didn't need her help anymore. Everything about therapy had become a facade.  I got two things from therapy.  I was in my late 20's early 30's and had never dealt with my fathers death when I was 12.  I had dealt with it. Big Deal. He was an alcoholic. An abusive man. And he was gone. He didn't do anymore for me alive than he did dead.

The second thing was is that I didn't like silence. If it was quiet, Mary had something to say. I can't say I've stepped away from it but I can acknowledge it. 

What she didn't know is that the rest of my stories I shared with her were nothing but lies. Within the first 15 minutes of my first session I sensed her judging me. Was she really or was I just listening to the voices in my head? Probably both. Judging is human nature. I can't honestly say I know - but I do know I didn't want her to know my dirty little secrets. ... I guess I'll keep you in suspense because I've shared more with you reading this than I ever did with her at about $90 a session.

I wanted her to diagnose me. I wanted her to give me the answer that caused my food issues. Why do I refuse to eat tomatoes that are too cold? Why do I not lose weight? The only answers she ever had was throw out your scales, take all the mirrors out of your house and buy more than you can eat in one sitting. Wow. She just challenged me to eat 2 boxes of Twinkies in one sitting rather than one. This is a goal I can lose at every time! Thanks, that was great advice. Here's my credit card. Ching Ching. Go buy yourself a new Coach. It's cute. Can you please consider removing your shitty wicker furniture, my ass doesn't fit so well...
Care to share the third box of Twinkies with me?

I'm going to cast blame here for a moment.... don't remove your mirrors.

I think I stopped looking at them for the last 10-15 years. I failed to recognize my beauty and worth because I couldn't look myself in the eyes and tell me I'm worth it. You are worth it too. Go tell yourself that. It's not a facade.

What Do You Believe and Who Told You To?

I had a very successful day yesterday. I stayed within my calorie range, felt revived and ready to hit this thing full force. I was reading an article about stopping negative thinking - the author was discussing that there are dozens of deep psychological reasons why individuals get caught up in negativity and reminds us that we don't have to know WHY we do it but to just STOP doing it. I've added a new page that is called Feed Your Head. I'll be adding articles that I run across that are helpful to me in this journey.  Maybe you'll run into something there that can help you.  After all we're all in this together. So many of you have reached out and offered your support. Tricia wrote about blogs she likes to read and included mine in her post and my followers tripled. It is really cool to get followers and I love comments so don't hesitate to give me a shout out. Additionally, I found some more really cool blogs to read and I added them to the list.

Another thing that happened yesterday was I ran into Jack's post which led me to this guy named Sam.  Before I talk more about Sam, a co-worker brought me a picture of me from when I was 14 or 15 years old (we used to hang out in school) I looked at me and really liked me. My face was thin, I could see me cheek bones and I had the most obnoxious wide-ass smile I could imagine.  I showed some of the other girls I work with and one said something that punched me right in the gut.  "You don't smile like that anymore." Yep, I don't. Sure, I can cut up with anyone and poke a joke to get a laugh, but it's not the same ...Hell, I even noticed my face getting smaller in the mirror because my frown lines were more prominent. But back to Sam, he declared that he had an epiphany and would share with his readers tomorrow and by golly he did. And he couldn't be more spot on when he says that he values himself based on his weight. I read that and was just in awe that Yes. I do that too.  I'm not trying to steal any lime light away from Sam at all but I do recognize that he may have shed some light on my own thoughts and I'm going to be exploring those - I wrote the other day about getting a letter from my mom and how there had been some resolve between us. She wrote about how proud of me she was and this meant a lot to me - it always has as she's never been one to recognize anything about me rather than my weight and how fat I am and how much I've lost and if I'm really trying to lose weight.  We've even had arguments about whether a banana should ever be eaten because don't you know? They are one of the worst fruits ever to eat? ... blah blah blah. I learned to place value on myself based on how much I weighed from the way my mother placed value on me. Today and from now on, I will teach myself to reverse those lessons. I am valuable because I am a loving wife and step mother, a provider, educated person with a Master's degree, a teacher, cancer survivor, caring, funny, loving, dedicated, insightful, analytical, honest, accomplished, dedicated, committed, self-improved woman that is worth every step in this journey.

I definitely ran into something that helped me. Thank you, Sam.

Feed Your Head - Mental Health Will Drive You Mad!

I am in a serious funk. I had a lot of "screw it" moments this weekend. I didn't meet any of my goals. Some of them, I didn't even try to meet. I'd think about them and I'd be "blah to goals". . I know how to diet. I know how to eat well. I don't know how to shape my mind though.  Folks, it's messed up. I'm working on it though. Seriously, I am. I struggle with having to be honest here and admit I blow it.  I contemplating leaving the whole blog world. I didn't want to share my story anymore.  Who wants to read about a failure? They'll unfollow... and in that thinking, I realized something. I worry too damned much about what other people think. ALL THE TIME.  Don't get me wrong, I love comments and when I get followers but I have to remember that I didn't sign up to entertain people.  I did this to hold me accountable and in the short time I"ve been writing I"m learning so much about me.  So, I won't be going away anytime soon. Another thing I discovered is I spend too much time worrying about my past. I've let my past shape my future a lot and I think I need to shape my future and let go of all these memories - I blame myself for so much and guilt myself for things I had no control over. My thoughts are so powerful and irrational at the same time... a perfect example is this past weekend marked my first husbands death 6 years ago.  He died on May 8 and on Mothers Day so Saturday sucked and Sunday sucked - it's like I got whammied twice in one year. I have blamed myself for years that "I couldn't save him" (He died of cardiac arrest and had been in kidney failure on dialysis for 3 years) but why am I blaming myself? It isn't my fault he was diabetic and chose to not take care of himself. It was his. I think it's OK to mourn my loss but I didn't have complete control of his destiny. I need to forgive myself for even thinking that way and move on. I"m sorry if this post is all over the place I just have a whole lot running around in my head... and I'm going to work on my mind set of this whole eating thing and let the food and stuff come second. If I'm not in the right frame of mind, this will only be temporary and once I get to my destination I want it to be a one way ticket. The ticket might have some lay-overs but I"m not returning to this body. 

In order to do this, I'm going to start doing the Mind Over Body 10 Step Plan over at Spark People.  You can see the full series here.  In summary, the plan looks like this:

The Scale Tell No Lies - Weigh Day!!!

I got my new scales last night and weighed in this morning at 418.6 pounds.  There will not be any complaining about this number. I consider it my accurate starting point in this journey. 
Fridays are weigh days around here from now on. I like Fridays a lot. I will especially like them when I can report losses and hope that it will be another tool in assisting me throughout the weekend wars I have had.


I got my new scales from Old Will Knot Scales.  They have a huge line of bariatric scales at really affordable prices.  The scales I bought measures body fat percentage and body weight. It talks in a very pleasant voice and has a nice platform to stand on.  This is not the first scale I have ever bought from here, in fact I think I have probably bought at least 4 over the last 10-15 years. One set got lost in a move, another set quit working and I lost my paperwork because it had a lifetime warranty and the third set was dead on arrival.  You know what though? I called up the people at Old Will and didn't have one iota of trouble returning those scales and getting a full refund including my shipping charges and they paid for me to ship it back to them.  Of all the online shopping I do, I would have to say Old Will Knot is my favorite place to deal with as far as honesty and the customer service they provide. I ordered these scales on Monday they were on my doorstep yesterday afternoon.  I didn't do express shipping either!!


It's raining cats and dogs here, my coffee is going cold and I have a ton of work to do.  Take care of you today.

When Your Weight Makes No Difference

If you're reading this, you're probably into dropping 5-100 pounds. Do you remember a time when weight made no difference? I do. When I met my husband, he saw me as Me.  A woman that noticed him, loved him unconditionally and accepted me unconditionally.  I've never been happier in my life at 400 pounds or 150.  He is my soul mate, the love of my life.  I don't let my weight inhibit my job.  I am good at what I do and know people try to "beat me" at my performance. My weight doesn't factor in.  I  fondly remember an evening at karaoke singing "Angel" in a bar in South Carolina on vacation and the bar went silent staring at me. Enjoying my song blind to the fat girl singing because I was that good. 99% of the bar were strangers.  I was invincible. Tell me about times you were invincible and your weight didn't become a factor. Take care of you.

Today the Letter F is for Follow

I like giveaways and I like reading this blog.  If you follow, I could win.  I already follow so if you follow you could win. Anyways, She has about 245 more followers than I do. I think she's 10X more funny than I am.  She draws better than me. So she wants to get 300 followers and she promises she'll keep working towards weighing 300 pounds. She's been in trouble with the low carb community for her filthy mouth, and her readers are just as bad but I like comedians, and sometimes, they just can't tell a joke without dropping an F bomb. Besides that, maybe if I can get Tricia some followers maybe she'll write about me and I can share some of her followers so it's not so quiet around here.... so stick around here awhile and then get over there and eff her.

The Awakening

The Awakening


A time comes in your life when you finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.



This is your awakening.

You realize that it's a time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and in the process a sense of serenity if born of acceptance.



You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are...

I'm No Daisy

Last night was the end of semester for the class I teach. My student kept her word and brought me the resistance bands and Isometric exercises. The guy who's a trainer in my class looked at them and gve me his nod of approval.  She even did up a schedule for me to follow to keep focused.  Additionally, she wants me to keep her updated with anything I need from new bands to more workouts to even writing my schedule. My eyes were pretty teary when I thanked her. I first sought out teaching for a community college when I myself had went back to school for my Masters. I was doing a module on values and examining who I was when I realized that the happiest times in my life were when I was training for the bank I worked with. I knew I had to get back into the classroom and realize my passion.  I didn't want it to be my full time "job" I just wanted it to feed my passion. That was four or so years ago. I still have that passion for empowering people and watching them grow ... and this semester I was surrounded by angels that reached out to help me grow (no pun intended) in this journey. 

I'm doing a lot of soul searching this week, I'm paying attention to my thoughts and self-talk and I'm making corrections where I sense any negativity.  I am spending a lot of time forgiving myself and searching my soul for the reasons I need to lose this weight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting off this flight, I am just concentrating on the future instead of the past. A few weeks ago, my mother and I had an argument over my WLS and why I wasn't trudging full balls ahead to have it done.  I tried to share my fears, my reasons etc with her and it only produced an argument that was similar to the one I had last year with her.  Fortunately, this time it just ended with both of us crying and agreeing to disagree. And then Monday, I received a letter in the mail from her. In that letter, my mother had a purpose and message for me and it's one I have never expereienced coming from her. I could tell by her words that she had done a lot soul searching.
She finally understands and honors my feelings. She has quit using my weight to judge me as a person. She accepts me for who I am and has quit blaming me for things that have happened in her past.  She has quit blaming herself for my weight problems. She has quit defining my success by the number on my scale.  She said, and I quote, " i have lived in my own selfish world for too long".  She acknowledged my achievements and how proud she is of me and she loves me. Obviously, from what little I've wrote there is a long history here of bitterness, resentment, pain, emotions etc. but today I feel free. I feel free to feel and to be me. I feel like I can quit judging myself and holding myself to my mother's standards instead of my own. It's a very strange feeling that seems very unusual and surreal and all at the same time. I don't want the WLS because I have fought this battle my entire life and I refuse to let it win by having surgery to fight it off. I am strong enough to do this on my own without making major sacrifices and taking serious chances.  Some may think not taking the option or letting it be my tool to help is like me taking taking a plastic knife to a gun fight. I don't care. It's my decision.
It's a beautiful day here today.  Take care of you.

Extra cool points if you can name the movie my title was inspired by.

Sometimes Staying in Jail is the Better Option

I stay within my calorie budget 99% of the time Monday - Friday 5p.m. and then all hell cuts loose. I get lazy, I don't blog, I have a running calorie calculation in my head. I say "yes" to eating out more than I should KNOWING I won't have good food options and then I come back here and complain about it. Are we seeing a cycle? Somewhere I have gotten the notion that Saturday and Sunday are like "Get out of Jail Free" cards and I'm allowing my ass to linger at Free Parking for as long as I want. Unacceptable. Do you know the luxury tax it will cost me in pounds if I continue to do this? The question is do I want to keep rolling the dice or use another "Get out of Jail free Card" this weekend? I think I'll set behind the bars and roll my dice - take a chance at getting doubles for good behavior.

3 DAYS

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

3 ROLLS !!!

With that being said, I'm giving away my "Get out of Jail Free Cards" if any of you are interested, leave a comment and I'll refer you back to this post as to why you shouldn't take them or use them. 

My Goals this week.

1. 
   
   64 oz of water everyday
2. 
   
   Write down everything I put into my mouth every day.
3. 
   
   Plan weekend meals before the weekend gets here.
4. 
   
   Write 3 posts this week. 1 must be written Saturday or Sunday.

Sausage Veggie Grill or Hobo Dinner

This past Saturday we did have an awesome dinner from the grill. Hubby took 3 beer brats, sliced them into pieces and made 4 little "hobo dinners" for all of us to enjoy. He wrapped the brat slices in heavy tinfoil with an ear of corn, sliced red peppers, zucchinni, yellow summer squash, baby porabellos, and onion.  Then he put a light drizzle of olive oil over it and seasoned it with pepper, garlic and onion powder. He grilled the little pouches for about 45 minutes and it was fabulous. We got the idea from seeing this recipe here. We reduced the calories and fat by reducing the amount of sausage and olive oil to make it more calorie friendly.  My aunt and uncle used to make something similar with burger and veggies when we'd go camping on the campfire. Try it, I'll bet you like it.

Some He Said /She Said moments from today...

411 Gurl: you know what i would really like to do with our birthday money.

Hubby: what

411 Gurl: get a new scale so that i can keep track of this journey. i've lost my gungho without being able to weigh

Hubby: yes

 

411 Gurl: I want to be a butterfly not a caterpillar

 

Hubby: You're always a butterfly to me.

 

 

Ordered and shipped today.

 

Take Care of You.

 

 

Coke and I Have Officially Broken Up

I had two very exciting things happen to me yesterday that I wanted to share. But before I do... you're not getting weigh in results until I do!.  I'm not happy with the accuracy of that scale I have at all and now the batteries have went dead so I'm wondering if it was a battery issue all along.. Who knows.  My promise to have a good, clean weekend, didn't happen. I had good days but not the type of weekend, I want to come back here and yell, see! I can do this on the weekend too. I am learning from them and I'm conscious about them so I know where changes need to be made. I will be fixing this issue. It might be by taking the weekend one hour at a time. But this will be conquered. Notice, I didn't blame the hubby once!.  Improvements, some are small but I'll take 'em.

I am really into no fat yogurt, frozen blueberries topped with low fat granola for breakfast. Would you believe I had never had a yogurt parfait from McDonald's in my life until 3 or 4 weeks ago? And I here I thought I had covered all my bases. I loved it. Now I'm all into checking out my own fruit combinations and making my own granolas... weird.

So Where or Where do I start? You know how you have a craving for something and you just have to have it? The thought consumes you. Well, yesterday I was drying of thirst. I had run out of my ice water, had 30 minutes before I had to leave work to go teach and I just wanted to quench my thirst. I looked in the fridge under my desk I share with my team and there is a bottle of Coke unopened. Frigging smiling at me. I swear. It was. Coke and I go way back... It was the soda that my uncle always had and we, meaning kids, could not. So every chance we got to drink Coke, you bet we did. Anyhow... It wasn't my Coke. It was my neighbors and I yelled over to her and said can I buy this coke from you? And she replies with, Sure, you can just have it. So I reach into my purse to give her a buck twenty five and she says, "I thought you don't drink that crap anymore". Boom. Without hesitation, without a thought of regret, wihout any remorse, I responded back with, "You're right, I don't." and I put my purse away. And I was fine. Thirsty, but fine. When I left work to go teach, I stopped and bought a Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi that was so ice cold from the cooler, you could see the frost. And it was divine.  The cooler thing, when I changed my mind about having that Coke, it was too natural. Too natural in a good way. It's hard to explain but it was done without feeling sorry for myself or regretting not having that Coke. It was a proud moment of you're right, I don't drink that crap anymore.

Next!

I went to class and I have a student that has been researching workouts for me to do (he is a trainer at a fitness club) and suggested I start with Isometrics.  Another student just happened to overhear us, said that she works with bariatric patients in a rehabiliation center and would bring me FREE resistance bands.
On my drive home tonight I thought how lucky I was to have these people placed in my life at the exact time I needed them, when my eyes were open to changing my habits and changing my lifestyle. 

Are you paying attention to what or who is around you? You might be surprised who or what is waiting for you to notice. Take care of you.

Eat This Not That and The Cost of Bagels

So.... I moved my scales in the house because they weren't on a flat enough surface and hubby and I were getting really weird readings. We changed the batteries, changed scales and now I feel like I'm starting over. I weighed in at 412.00 Hubby even showed a big difference in his weight. So I can sit and piss and moan about it -ignore that my clothes are looser, I'm getting around easier, etc etc. I"m not going to. It is what it is. I have no starting weight other than what I had at the doctors in August of 2009 and that's what I'm going by. I am up a pound. I will show a loss next Tuesday and I'll put my little chart thingy back up but I don't think it's right to mislead readers and  I don't believe the numbers either. I'll probably adjust my weight in page too.  It's entirely possible that I've dropped weight that fast as I always show a whoosh at the beginning when I change my eating habits but it is what it is. I'm not going to dwell on it and I'm not gonna say anymore about it. It is what it is.

I walked into my department today to find Panera bagels ... lots of Asiago and Everything bagels greeting me as I walked in. In my bag, I have cut up pineapple, baby watermelon, cantaloupe and strawberries. I could have the bagel and cream cheese but I want the fruit more. I wanted my yogurt more. So I choose to skip the bagel today, it wasn't in my plan and its kind of a personal thing with me ... prove you can skip the bagel because you chose to; not because you can't have it.  Because I can have it, I just have to withdraw the calories and frankly, the cost of bagels have me in an uproar over the cost of fruit these days.  Are you making good choices today? Take care of you.

Weight Loss Surgery To Be or Not To Be

I have been contemplating weight loss surgery (wls) for some time now. It's a very personal decision that can not be made over night. It's a decision that I struggle with and have struggled with over 3 years now. I finally made an appointment with my surgeon in August of 2009 after witnessing my 2 cousins and cousin in law have the gastric bypass. Truth be told I made an appointment because of family pressure. I am more against my having weight loss surgery than for it. I have my reasons.

In my early twenties, I was seeing a counselor to deal with my food issues. I was really looking for the answer as to "Why am I fat?". I talked about my alcoholic father, my diet obsessed food ruling mother, the silly rules I put on food. (Thats' a whole 'nother post) and on and on and on.... Finally, I was given a book to read about weight and the issues women have with it and the only thing that sticks out in my mind after reading it was this.  When one has tried every diet known to mankind and fails, you are offered surgery!  I read that as the final "I give up" moment. I guess today I'm still looking at it as a give up moment. I know I'm supposed to look at wls as a tool for losing weight. A means to make the journey easier. But seriously, who wants to live on liquid for six weeks and then move on to foods like 3 grapes for breakfast.  What will I learn if I make the journey easier? If I don't fix my thoughts and my reactions to life, then what good is the tool going to do me? Eventually I'll learn how to expand my stomach from the size of a walnut back to a tennis ball to a fist... and on an on and on...
Did you know that wls statistics are that after 5 years there is a 50% failure rate? Seriously. Are those good odds? I'd rather go to the horse races.
I have some strong personal reasons for not wanting to have wls.
1. My aunt had severe complications after having hers. She isn't on the 50% of the success rate.  I've had cervical cancer once. I am a survivor. She has battled cancer ever since her surgery - from the moment they opened her up saw nothing and then removed a 12 pound cyst and one of her kidneys 6 months later. You can't convince me one didn't have to do with the other.
2. For every success story I hear about people dying, complications. Horrible horrible stories.
3. I am a fighter. I don't want to give in to the beast. I can beat this on my own while I transform my thoughts and beliefs into being a healthy person. (I'm not suggesting anyone who has had wls is wrong. I firmly believe its a personal decision and want anyone to be successful at becoming healthier)
4. God gave me this body, mind and soul.  I don't think I should go tampering with how he designed me.

And of course, I have reasons why I should.
1. If I don't get my shit together soon, I'm not going to be here for my husband and step-children.
2. Baby K will never remember me fat.
3. CD keeps asking when I'm going to be skinny.
4. I hate being fat.

So here I am today... blogging about it still flip flopping and I have a goal to meet to see my doctor for my 6 months starting in May and I'm avoiding it. I'm doing absolutely nothing to make that appointment. Why? I don't know - I've gotten a lot of support 'round here as of late and it feels good being the one in control. It feels good watching the scale go down. I don't know where I'll be but I know I need to do the requirements so that in the event I end up like Mario with one life left, I better be prepared. I see people that have beat this game and done it by making good choices, small changes and are committed to their life style change without the risk of surgery and they had more weight to lose than me. I look to these people every day for support and they'll probably never know how much I get from them sharing their story.  I am moving in the same direction of their success. The only difference is, my journey has just begun. Take care of you.

Detour Ends

I encountered a bit of a detour on Friday betwwn 5p.m.and 5:30 p.m. Hubby picked me up from work but not before I'd sealed my fate that we would be getting take-out and having our traditional Friday Night Date night at home. I had looked at the nutritional values, sealed my decision and met him about 5:08 in the parking lot. We went and picked up dinner, picked up beverages. and got into our comfy clothes and dove into dinner. WTF. I didn't order one thing I intended to eat for dinner. I had completely went on detour and in the back of my mind was blaming my hubby for my decisions. I saw it like a premonition, I acted on it, and I am at fault. I continued to do the same thing all weekend. I had excuse after excuse for eating junk. It was ridiculous really but a few good lessons learned.
Lesson #1:
After weeks of feeling good, I felt like crap all weekend.- I was sluggish, my tummy hurt all day yesterday and I only wanted to sleep. Little things irritated me and I had absolutely no patience for anything all weekend.
Lesson #2:
Not one damned thing tasted better than the fresh fruits and veggies I've been eating. I spent the entire weekend chasing bad choice after bad choice only to never feel satisfied.
Lesson #3:
No matter how much prodding anyone including hubby does, I ultimately responsible for the food I put into my mouth. (I blamed him again. Did you just see that? Uggh.) He never prodded me once to make bad decisions and choices. I made them all on my own. In fact, he stuck to his calorie budget more times than I did this weekend.
Lesson #4: This isn't a one way street without bumps or turns or road blocks. However, I am in control of how I maneuver me.

I have Thursday through Sunday off to spend with my family this weekend. I promise myself I will stay within my calorie range. I can do this no matter what gets thrown at me. Take care of you.

The Stomach: Not a Garbage Can

Instant message to hubby
Me: OMG this cantaloupe is fantastic.
Hubby: Oh good.
Me: It's like candy melting in my mouth it's perfect ripe.
Hubby: hmmmm it's the cotton candy container.
Me: LOL, no it's definitely the cantaloupe.

I have to admit I had one of those moments where I stopped and thought about how many of those containers came into our house full.  Really, not that many, but seriously, who would really believe that manufactured cotton candy would ever taste as good as cotton candy from a concession stand.  Even from a concession stand, it wouldn't hold a candle to my fresh, refrigerated cantalope.  I was reading the Spark forum today and someone had a quote that said "Don't treat your stomach like a garbage can". It's so true. I am getting so much satisfaction from the healthier meals that even when the co-worker walks in with her Quarter Pounder Value Meal, it makes me gag a little from the smell.

Obviously, today's a good day. I'm focused. I'm eating good foods that are rich in flavor and satisfying. I have a new weight to report but that will be later tonight. I can't believe how keeping it simple, taking one day at a time, making better choices and focusing on small changes can be so rewarding and easy.  Yes, I said easy. (Note to readers: beat this in my head the next time I whine).

I've been making a list of easy to pack cold lunches. I'd love to hear what's in your lunch or breakfast that you bring to school or work, etc. Share with me your favorites in the comments of this post. Take care of you!

The Stairs That Beat Me Down

It was this post that made me remember the day and tears filled my eyes.   The day I couldn't climb the stairs at work without resting midflight. Twice. Broken Elevator. Broken Spirit. I was ashamed at what I'd become. I was so humiliated and embarrassed, I wrote about it on my new Spark account that day.  I never returned to Spark. That was in 2008.
Today, I have to walk across to another building to get something required for work. I thought of my failed stair day. The mere thought puts me into a mild anxiety attack just like the fear of a fire drill. Our department reports to the other side of the buildings parking lot for a fire drill. Our complex easily sits on 10 acres. Other employees are complaining that they have to walk so far but they can physically walk it.  I have to rest between walking to our time clock from the parking lot and still show up at my desk short of breath. My health status can no longer be hidden. This is life at 400 pounds people.

I lost my focus on both Saturday and Sunday. I allowed things that I knew were wrong. I allowed excuses that were merely that. An excuse is nothing more than giving yourself a "free pass" to do it. I had closed the excuse box by about 3pm on Sunday and returned to focusing on me and what needed to be done. I woke up this morning with a revived feeling. Glad I was going back to work where it's easier to stay focused. I keep telling myself that 2 bad meals out of a week is a hell of a lot better than meal after meal being bad. I also keep telling myself that that behavior is what got me to over 400 pounds. Little changes, Little changes... and then Tony's Post smacked me right in the face. My life was Tony's life 2 years ago.  2 years ago. In 2 years I could run across to the other building if I just stay on track. In 2 years, I could return to this post and say, "Yes that was me then, but look at me now."  2 years ago I couldn't climb the same stairs I can't do today. I've wasted a lot of time and for what? A cheeseburger? A fry? Really. It's rather pathetic.

Both meals I feel i made poor choices on didn't even satisfy me.  What's worse, is I spent the last 2 days beating myself up-going back and forth rationalizing the next excuse only to find out that when I actually sat down and did calorie calculations I had only exceeded the amount by 1618 calories in total both days. BOTH DAYS. I avoided posting and turned on the negative self-talk over 1618 calories? There are 1200 calories in a large caramel brownie blizzard from Dairy Queen. There are 1240 calories in a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. So the breakdown is this. Could I have made better choices? Yes. I didn't have enough fruits and vegetable either day.  If I had, I would not have exceeded my amounts because I'd have been full and not filled with empty calories. Did I eat a blizzard and all that McDonalds crap? Obviously not. However, those examples show you how easy it is to break your calorie budget just going through the drive-thru.  Time and time again, that little upset to the apple cart would have caused me to give up entirely and say "I can't do this, it's too hard" "I've blown it, might as well binge." or any other excuse I could take on to just give up.  I didn't this time. I let the storm pass. I kept returning to where I want to go in this journey and when I sat down to face the damage and hold myself accountable, I'd actually made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am thrilled it only totalled 1618 calories. I expected at least 5,000 because in my mind, that's how much I'd blown things out of proportion.   Lesson learned: write everything down to keep it in persepctive.
Today has been a great day. I'm right on track with everything. I'm thankful for everyone I read as we've all experienced a little bit of what the other has. Take care of you.

Crab Cakes Sponge Bob Would Love

Yes, this is coming from the same 411 Gurl that doesn't like fish! We had these last night with zucchini and yellow squash and they were by far the best crab cakes I have ever had. I've calculated the calories, fat grams and even Weight Watcher Points for these delicious little crabby patties. (this is not the actual picture but they look identical) Try them and let me know what you think!

Reflections of Yesterday

Yesterday was fabulous.  There are only 2 things I'd change differently.  I would have drank more water and my calorie level was no where it should have been.  I was about 800 under.  I feel great though.  Hubby made a goulash with whole wheat penne pasta that was out of this world. I'd never had whole wheat pasta before and I only noticed the difference as in texture.  I think that could have been from the ridges in the pasta itself though.  The meal looked so hardy and like something off of food network.  I was satisfied and even more relieved it was satisfying for hubby. I;'m also excited that I got my 5 fruits and veggies in for the day and my fiber count was 28.  I'm going for 35 but am pleased with anything over 20.

We had some family drama yesterday that really could have thrown us off this new way of life and instead hubby and I worked out a way to stay on program in the event we had to take a road trip in an emergency.  I'm home today because we're not sure how today will unfold with all of that but things will be fine. 

That's all I have for right now. Take care of you.

Checking in...

It has been a busy couple of weeks for me. I've been reading but I sure haven't been posting. I've been making small changes in my diet. I've cut out all sugar sodas and have limited my diet soda to about 1 a day no more than 2. I've cut out all white flours except for one lunch last week. and I worked on cutting all sugar out. Today I'm sugar free.  Hubby jumped on board with me this weekend and we're having a lot of fun.  I think we are anyways!  Both of us have never been fish eaters except for what we would catch out of the lake and could buy at Long John Silvers. Oh and that one time I had Scrod in Parchment Paper and it looked liked something I'd have pulled from my neighbors garbage.   Not that  I'm a dumpster diver... Oh and that time I had salmon... I don't like fish particularly.  Anyhow, we've agreed to incorporate more fish in our diet so we're having Tilapia this week. We'll start out with it once a week and gradually move that in place of all the other junk we've been eating.
While I feel like I am a master at knowing the calorie content or something or can calculate the points of a food item,using the WW formula, in my head,  I was finding myself frustrated with my hubby for not reading labels correctly.  (my husband never struggled with his weight like I did)  I would ask him if something had sugar in it and he'd shout back "Yes, 10 Grams" and I'd shout back "NO, read the ingredients."  Then I would explain to him the can of fruit he was looking at had "natural" sugars in it from the fruit. - Shout out to Dr. Atkins.  He got frustrated when he bought low fat mayo instead of no fat mayo. And I said to him, "Honey, its about the choices we make. This jar is low-fat and by far better than the last 45 jars of regular mayo we've brought into the house over the years. It's a change. We'll make small changes and we'll get lasting results."  And it was in that moment that I realized I had flipped my switch. The old me would have sent him back to the store to get the fat free. The old me was ALL or NOTHING.  Nothing got me to over 400 pounds. I always believed that perfection meant being succesful at winning this battle. You don't need perfection, because you'll always fail. Small changes + Better Choices = Results. 

On another note, I'm missing out on my husbands Memorial day weekend get away that we've avoided for the last 2 years because of other obligations my weight.  I can't physically do the weekend - walking to the bathrooms, sitting in lawn chairs, the heat... and the list goes on. Hubby is going this year and it pisses me off I'm not going. I'm pissed off enough to know I'm going to be there next year, walking to the bathrooms, sitting in lawn chairs, playing frisbee, disc golf, and maybe even swimming when it's hot. Anyone  want to make a bet?

Where it all began...

I am not a yo-yo dieter. I don't have stories of losing 100 pounds and then regaining it. Twice. I have lost weight in the past. I successfully lost weight the summer pre-middle school. My secret? I ate a lot of apples, rode my bike every day always 4 miles a day but often 8. I wrote down everything I ate and when my total calories in reached 1000, I was done for the day. That was the same summer that I would day dream from the backseat of my aunt's Cherokee Jeep while waiting for my diet pop, no ice (you got more and it was still cold), that when I could drive I would go to McDonald's and I would order 1 of everything. Visions of Mc Chicken sandwiches danced in my head. I think that was the summer of their debut. Seriously, how bad could a chicken sandwich be? It's chicken! Those thoughts consumed me every single time we waited in that drive-thru. I went back home at the end of summer to return to school. I had a new body but I didn't have a new mind. My mother was so proud of my transformation. She bought me every designer jean label I wanted from Calvin Klein to Jordache. She showed me off to everyone, telling me to "Stand up, turn around. See how much weight she's lost?". Nice. Please remind me and everyone else how FAT I used to be. Thank God she didn't shout those directions when my boobies started to grow.  And in private, I'd stand up, turn around and see how FAT I still was. My mother was a food nazi. Not because we were poor or she was into diet and fitness. I believe it's because she had her own demons. I've spend a lot of years blaming her for my food obsession. I'm 40 years old. I think it's time I accept the fact that I'm to blame for my own obsession and I'm using her as an excuse.
Over to the right, you'll see the blogs I stalk daily. I have read Pasta Queen for years now. I envied her results and her determination. I've watched her become a successful loser. Her life changed. I recently surfed into Zeusmeatball and he inspired me.  I am struggling with the whole gastric bypass surgery option because my cousins just recently did it and look wonderful. And my mom is all "I'll pay your co-pay if you Just Do IT!" Sure, they may joke about having 3 grapes for breakfast but one thing is for sure, they have taken the toll off their bodies. Zeus led me to the Anti-Jared. Wow its this guy full of himself! Pun intended. And he's given me reason to rethink this whole WLS thing. And then there's Sean.  I love his positive attitude and the good choices he makes. He inspires me to make good choices. I can't get enough of either of these 3 guys. I relate to them so much because they're real, the tell it how it is and they cut out the BS.
 I'm joining the journey guys. I weighed in at 411 at my gastric bypass doctor's office on some sunny day in August of 2009. I've put off doing the insurance requrements until just recently. (6 months dr supervised weight monitoring).  I don't know what I weigh today. My scales aren't working right so new ones are on the way as I type. I should know by April 1.  So for now, we'll start with 411 and make adjustments along the way. Besides that, it will really screw with readers why I called myself 411 gurl if I was really 423 or something like that.  Anyhow, I'm not committing to the surgery but I am committing to doing my six months.  At completing the requirements, I'll reaccess my needs. I won't be perfect but I'll be real. Please join me along the way.

411 Gurl